Christmas, a day of firsts…

Christmas, a day of firsts…

This Christmas was a series of firsts for me.

It was the first Christmas in my new house.

It was the first Christmas for me as myself.

It was the first Christmas where my family gathered together in my new house.

All of these couldn’t or wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t transitioned, in fact if I hadn’t transitioned, I may have not been here to tell about it at all!

In many ways I feel so blessed.

-Sandy

Reurning to Church...

Piglet had a chance to visit with some old friends of ours while she was up here for the divorce. They were people we knew from church. She set up the dinner after she had been contacted by them following her notification of her moving.

She had dinner with them and afterwards mentioned to me that they had started attending a new church and we were both invited to attend.

These ladies knew about me and the changes I had been through, but had not met me yet. They knew that piglet and I was divorced but wanted us to come to the church anyway.

I’ve been away from major religion for several years. My spirituality dwindled to almost nothing as I descended into the abyss of depression that occupied my life prior to my coming out to myself. I had found some solace in the Native American spirituality, but in no way could you call it an organized religion. It is a very personal thing. Something that I needed at the time, but one cannot be completely involved with spirituality in isolation. A person needs others to be in community with them (the saying “two or more of you are gathered in her name” is the key).

With my transition and change of locations, I really didn’t have time for attending a regular service. But now as my life recovers from my changes, and I start to pick up the pieces, things are starting to return to me. One of the pieces was my involvement with the Anglican Church. I find it interesting that just when I was reminiscing of my times at the church, a door opens for me allowing me to return.

This has happened time and again through my transition. When something was ready for me to take it on, a door would open for me to walk through.

Still I was a little nervous going to that first service. There were several families from the old church that we had attended there and they all had heard about me. As I walked into the undercroft to hang up my coat, piglet visited with some of the people we used to know. I did a quick dash into the restroom to freshen myself up and to get a bit of courage up to go and greet the people I used to know.

I shouldn’t have worried so much, or at all for that matter. I was warmly greeted by the couple of old acquaintances I knew and we all hugged like old friends meeting, which I guess we were. Very soon after that it was time for the service and we went upstairs. We all sat together. The pastor’s sermon talked about constants in change and much of it seemed to speak directly to me. As things change, our connection with Christ (spirit) remains constant.

Throughout the whole service I was overwhelmed with the feeling of having come home.
During the peace, which always struck me as the Anglican version of the seventh inning stretch, I was nearly moved to tears as my new and old friends greeted me.

After the service we returned to the undercroft for coffee hour. I was greeted by just about everyone there. Some of them knew about me most did not. But it didn’t matter, I was greeted warmly and sincerely. I sat with piglet and my friends from the old church. One of the people from the old days is now a Deacon and he asked if I was happy now. I told him I was ecstatically happy. He introduced me to the pastor and she was very happy to see me and wanted to make sure that I came back. I told her I would be.

I also attended the Christmas day service and again I felt that I had found something that I really needed and was missing from my life.

I have come home.

-Sandy

The Divorce

Well that phase of my life is over.

A couple of weeks ago the stbew…

By way of explanation, I used the term stbew to refer to Soon To Be Ex Wife simply to save me typing. Also I do not like to use peoples names in any context without their specific permission. In conversation with my SO she has given permission to me to use her nickname, piglet.

So…

A couple of weeks ago piglet came up and we went to the to our divorce hearing. We had finally agreed to all points and also finally got both our lawyers to get to the court at the same time.

Our proceeding wasn’t all that eventful as we had already agreed to everything. It was mostly just a matter of signing papers and making statements before the judge. There was an interesting moment, however. During the proceeding, one of the questions asked of piglet was to the effect of feeling that there were irreconcilable differences and that there was no chance of us getting together again. Piglet looks over at me and says “No, I think not!” To which the lawyers and judges start to giggle.

Actually she had a couple of retorts come to mind but responded with the most conservative answer. The others were “Duh, ya think!” or my favorite “It’s more a case irreconcilable similarities!”The rest of the proceedings were pretty straight forward with only a minor hitch that was quickly resolved.

So that is it. The divorce is now final and I am now a single woman. To a great extent the court proceeding is anticlimactic. Much of the splitting up has already been done and we have been living apart for months. There are follow up issues to take care of such as insurance and the last financial arrangements. But that is it.

We are still friends and have no animosity toward each other, but we are now officially on separate paths.

-Sandy

My life and loving it!

This has been a tumultuous year for me. But now it appears that my life may be less tumultuous going forward.

I am a woman with a transsexual condition, and I just started living full time in my true gender as of April of this year. My transition from male to female is all but complete. I have one more surgery left to complete my physical transition and I will be done. That surgery is scheduled for March of 2008. To the masses it is *the surgery*. But for me and other transsexuals like me, it is just the cherry on top of the hot fudge sundae. I won't say it is no big deal, because it really is. But I am much more fulfilled living as a woman full time. Society completely accepts me as a woman and I am absolutely ecstatic about that.

Once I have the Gender Reassignment Surgery, my position in society won't change by one iota. But internally I will know that I am complete, or at least as complete as modern science and surgery can make me. Every time I go to the 'loo or take a shower I'll know I am complete and that will make the smile on my face just a bit wider.

So what is the point of this blog?

I've posted my transition up to this point on www.susans.org, in the blog section called "Sandy's Transition". Catchy title, huh? Located there is the information that describes in tedious detail the major aspects of being a transsexual, living (or dying) as a transsexual, and those details that would be beneficial to other transsexuals. Don't look there, or here for that matter, for hot sexy shemale love or any crap like that. If that is your taste, then google is just chocked full of websites that will cater to your interests. Living my life as a transsexual has been devastating in many respects but a glorious blessing in other respects.

I posted at susans so that other transsexuals can find help and solace for dealing with their condition. But transitions are, by definition, temporary conditions. My transition is nearly complete and I only anticipate posting about my surgery.

But here, I will talk about my life, now. Not the life of a post-operative transsexual, but life of a woman in society. Just another gal in the workforce. And as such can be real boring to someone looking for information about pre-surgical life.

So here is my life now. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. Living a life that is filled with joy and beauty. I walk around with a smile on my face nearly all the time. I am proud of who I am which is something that I have never experienced before. So, yeah, I am a happy girl.

It wasn't easy getting here and I very nearly didn't live through it, but I did, and I am glad I did!

-Sandy (Silly, grinning, fool)

I wonder what it'll be like.

I wonder what it'll be like.

My GRS early next year, will mark the end of my transition from male to female. There'll still be loose ends to take care of like finishing my facial electrolosis and getting the rest of my official records changed to my current name and gender. But other than that I'll be finished.

I was just wondering what it'll feel like not having a constant anticipation of the next step in my life's transition. Before I came out I always had this yearning to be female. Then I came out, and I had anticipation to start therapy and HRT. Then as I started therapy and HRT I had a growing anticipation of the feminizing effects that the hormones would cause in my body.

And so it went. Each step in my quest to become the female I knew I was and to become myself in society, lead to the next step and the anticipation of that goal.

Soon that will be over, and I was wondering what it would feel like to finally feel as normal as I can ever be. I'm already picking up parts of my life that have been on hold because of the transition, divorce and moving into a new house. Maybe that's all it'll be, just a normal life.

I really wonder what that will feel like.

Do any of you other men and women who have completed your transition (however you define it, pre/post/non op) have similar feelings?

-Sandy

So *that's* why...

So *that's* why...

The other day I met with the therapist who would provide the second opinion of my transsexual diagnosis and send a letter to my surgeon.

The person I met with is a well known therapist and author who specializes in gender conditions.

I was a little nervous meeting her. After all, getting the second letter gives me a green light for me to proceed with my surgery and complete my transition. Many people have said that the HBSOC, now called WPATH, is too restrictive and presents more of a gatekeeper role to the transsexual seeking GRS.

I, personally, have not felt this to be the case. The therapists I have seen have acted more as partners and have been very compassionate in aiding me in my journey.

When I met with her, she was very quick to put me at ease. We spoke for about an hour, and for the most part it was more of an interview than a therapy session. The nature of the questions and discussion will remain private. But in no way did I ever get the impression that I was being interrogated or tested to see if I was transsexual enough or had attained some sort of qualification. It was a very relaxed session.

Near the end of the session, she asked me if I had any questions for her. I did in fact have some questions.

One of the questions I had regarded why GRS, which has virtually no impact on a persons gender status in society (nobody sees what's in your pants) has such a requisite qualification (WPATH), when facial surgery, which has a huge impact on a persons gender status in society (everybody sees your face), requires virtually no qualification other than an ability to pay.

As readers of my blog may remember, this is kind of a hot button for me and I was really curious why it was this way.

Her response was very enlightening.

As you may know, surgeons are under a strict ethical guideline to not remove healthy tissue. Additionally, I found out that there are also laws regarding this as well, referred to as mayhem laws. These put additional restrictions that, among other things, specifically state that healthy reproductive tissue cannot be removed unless there is an overriding medical necessity requiring their removal.

GID is considered a medical condition as listed in the DSM-IV, and the only known solution to address the condition is surgical intervention to change the transsexual’s gender to that of the opposite gender. Thus, it makes it a medical necessity to remove or change the healthy reproductive tissue. This also covers mastectomies and hysterectomies in FTM transsexuals.

The two letter protocol is considered due diligence from a legal point of view. Basically it protects the surgeon and hospital if they are sued as a result of a person receiving GRS and then regretting the decision. It also ensures the person seeking GRS receives adequate counseling and is able to properly set expectations as to what the surgery will do and how their life will be like following surgery.

The one letter protocol for HRT has a similar purpose. But since many of the effects of feminization or masculinization can be reversed if stopped in time, there is no need for a second opinion.

Additionally, it protects the transsexuals that follow us. For example if this due diligence was not performed, and a person turned around and successfully sued, you can expect that the hospital where the operation was performed would never allow any such operations in the future. And it’s hard enough to find a surgeon in the western hemisphere as it is!

Given that I have a clearer understanding as to why things are the way they are.

-Sandy

I have my SRS date!

I have my SRS date!

I got my date!

March 13th, 2008. With Dr. Christine McGinn in Doylestown PA.

I am excited and calm at the same time. But interestingly, at least for now, I am not filled with the kid-before-Christmas feeling like I was when I was pre-FFS.

Transition, by definition, is a temporary condition. It is moving from one state of being to another. In many ways, my procedure will mark the end of my transition. The end of my temporary time between two states of being. So too, this marks the final chapters of "Sandy's Transition" saga.

To be sure, I will still have much to say, both about my surgery and life as a post-op. But perhaps after that I may need a new blog. One where I talk about the mundane things in life as a woman. Gawd, doesn't that sound exciting... NOT!

What does GRS mean to me? I've turned this question over in my mind a lot. I have accomplished ninety percent of everything I wanted when I started my transition. The most imoportant thing to me was, and still is, being a woman in society. And I am that. And living a very happy life as a result. Having GRS will do absolutely NOTHING to affect one way or another how society views me. People on the street, the lady behind the cosmetic counter, and the guy who asks "You want fries with that?" will not look a me any differently than they do now. For the vast majority of them, I am immediately viewed as a woman and that is all. Having a neo-vagina will not do anything to make them see me as more of a woman than they already do. So why do it? Why put yourself through the pain and expense for something that a limited number of people besides your doctor and nurses will ever see?

Do any of you ask yourself that question? Why do it if nobody can tell?

As we like to say, gender is between your ears, not between your legs. Now to be sure, were I to enter into a relationship, having genitalia that is congruent with my psyche and the rest of my body would be important. But right now there doesn't seem to be much chance of that happening anytime soon. And even if there were, they would eventually have to know the truth about me. So if they knew about me they would also possibly accept the fact that I had an "outie" not an "innie".

So why do it?

Because, I know. And every time I go to the 'loo, or take a shower, I am reminded of it again. I have this one last vestige from the time before. And, through the skill and expertise of doctors and surgeons, what was the old has been chiseled away to expose the real person living within all this time. What remains should also be changed, reshaped, and reborn to complete the work. Without it, is like painting the Mona Lisa and not painting the enigmatic smile on her face. The painting would be incomplete. I would be incomplete.

I want to be complete.

I will be complete.

-Sandy