I want to burn the bridge.

I want to burn the bridge.

It's a little odd. Over the last few weeks I've become so impatient with myself and my progress. Now, I know I've been shot out of a cannon, or as Julie likes to say I'm FedEx'ing my transition. I know there are so many who take so much longer. So I know I am truly blessed at all my good fortune to be where I am at. And I truly believe that! I'm currently 24x7-40. My wardrobe is growing with every swipe of the credit card (poor thing is severely bruised).

I'm actively pursuing my transition at work with HR and management. It will happen. But not tomorrow. The same with my body. Like a pre-pubescent girl I look at myself in the mirror and just cry sometimes! I feel like nothing is happening. But of course I know (intellectually) that there is. There has been some really dramatic changes in my body over the last few months. And I really appreciate them. It's just that sometimes I feel frustrated.

Not that I'd fly out to Thailand or bypass the SOC, but I just want to be out of these bloody guy clothes! I want to be transitioned! I want my legal name change completed!

What I really want is to do something irreversible. Something that will prevent me from ever being able to go back and pretend to be a guy ever again. Every step in the SOC is designed to put off the irreversible steps as long as possible to allow for buyers remorse and allow the patient the maximum amount time to make a thorough, well thought out decision.

Well I've been thinking about it for 50 years, doesn't that count? I've thought it over, and being a guy really sucks. It's as simple as that.

-Sandy

It was a Cinderella evening...

It was a Cinderella evening...

The charity gala was absolutely WONDERFUL!

My magic time actually started the previous Thursday when I was called and asked what names to put on the invitations. I asked to be listed as Sandra. My heart started soaring when I arrived on Saturday and found my name card waiting for me. That card now sits next to my computer. I smile every time I look at it.

And when we sat for dinner, Julie and I sat at the company table. I met the trans man who is transitioning with me, and his lovely wife. Both knew about me before but this was the first time they actually met me as myself, not dressed as that guy. Also sitting with us was the man who made the reservations for the table and we talked for the very first time. He was really happy to see me being so comfortable with myself. That magical night! I'm still walking on clouds!

The evening was dinner followed by dancing in various rooms and an industrial strength chocolate fountain. What's not to like?

If I had any hesitations or doubt left about transitioning before, they are all erased!

This girl is going to do it!


-Sandy

Put to the test... UPDATED

Put to the test... UPDATED

Having made the commitment to be 24x7-40 (out everywhere but work, for now) I knew there would come a time when I would either be outed or have to out myself in order to complete a financial transaction.

Well, I was put to *that* test tonight! Julie and I were out grocery shopping. She had already purchased her stuff and was just waiting for me to finish checking out.

I used the self check out lane and everything went normally until I swiped my credit card. The cash register said "Please wait for assistance".

The lady controlling the register came up to me and said, "Ma'am, I just need to see a photo ID. It's normal for purchases over fifty dollars."

My purchase was well over that. I took a deep breath, reached into my purse, pulled out my clutch opened it and showed her my drivers license.

She visibly jumped (it was the beard, I'm sure!) but made no other remark and said "Thank you ma'am. That will be fine." I said thank you. and finished putting my purchases into my cart. She was very nice.

I asked if I could get a shopping card application. She said yes, but I would have to fill it out there. But I would get my card immediately. I wanted to fill it out at home so I said I would fill it out the next time I came. She smiled and said "Have a nice night!"

Other than being a little shaken by the experience, I wasn't upset by it. I didn't go screaming into the night. I didn't purge, I didn't swear that I'll never go back there. I will shop there again, and quite probably be assisted by that same lady when I go back for my discount card.

There was a time not all that very long ago that I would have been terrified and severely traumatized by that experience. I would have questioned my femininity and probably made it a topic with my therapist.

That was then, this is now.

I'm going to transition before the end of the year. Maybe sooner, maybe a lot sooner. So I have to be ready for this. Until I can get my name legally changed and my ID's properly re-issued, I have to be ready for this. It's GOING to happen again and again.

This is the life I committed to. I am all woman. Society just hasn't quite caught up yet.

I'm willing to give them time to adjust.

-Sandy

-------------------------------------------------

June 12, 2007

Just an FYI.

I went back to that same grocery store just yesterday. I used the self service register. As fate would have it, I swiped my credit card and sure enough, the total was over fifty dollars. The register came up with "Please Wait for Assistance".

The lady controlling the register came over to me and said "Ma'am, I just need to see a photo ID. It's normal for purchases over fifty dollars". I swear it was the exact same sentence said the exact same way. It was deje-vu all over again... But this time it was a different lady.

This time I reached into my purse and took out my wallet and showed her my drivers license. She glanced at the name and verified that it was the same name on the credit card and said "Thank you, ma'am."

I thanked her and smiled broadly back at her. She had no idea why I was smiling so much...

-Sandy(My drivers license picture looks much better now!)

I jumped...

I jumped...

...and found out that giving your heart wings can allow you to FLY!

It was one of those days were everything, EVERYTHING, went right.

First off, Julie had found out about a wonderful charity gala she wanted to go and was about to buy a ticket. The cheap seat tickets that don't include a dinner were $75. The full ticket was $200. When she mentioned it to me, I remembered something. Turns out our company is a major sponsor and had some free full dinner tickets for the employees on a first come first serve basis. I managed to get tickets for Julie and myself. I was ecstatic, Julie was bouncing off the walls! We'll have more details on the party later.

What was exceptional is that I was asked what names to put on the invitation list. I gave Julies name and also my name, Sandra. So this is going to be a bit of a coming out to some select people from work. The idea that I would actually be among some of my co-workers as myself for the first time makes me dizzy with excitement. Like I said we'll have more details after the party. But I'm delirious!

When the time came for the meeting with HR I fairly floated up to the office. The HR person was a wonderful lady who wanted to know more about the transitioning process from both myself and the FTM.

We also gave her some background information about transgender diversity. She was extremely helpful and genuinely concerned about our process. She asked what the next steps were for us and how we wanted to proceed. She took a lot of notes. She asked if we would be available for additional meetings with others from HR. We both said yes. I talked about wanting to transition and not sure if I should change my name legally first, or to transition first then change my name. She said that either way would work for the company. It's just that when I get my name legally changed, there will be a lot of paperwork. She agreed that sounded like the best moves but first she would have to absorb some of the information we turned over.

So the next meeting will be in a couple of weeks to follow up with the information and any questions she might have. After that we'll be bringing my manager up to speed.

It's really happening!!!

-Sandy

I'm about to jump off a cliff...

I'm about to jump off a cliff...

Yesterday I was notified that I would be meeting with HR concerning my transition. The meeting is tomorrow.

I've been just shy of hyper-ventilating since I got the notice. The meeting will actually be with the FTM, and the diversity rep that I initially contacted, myself, and the HR person.

This is the starting gun. Up to this point everything I've been doing has been practice. Now I have to start really thinking about a *real* schedule of transition. And of course, there is no pressure of any sort. This is exclusively at my own pace. But still, once I get started, things will start moving in an irreversible way. Such as coming out to my manager, educating my co-workers, and dealing with the rumors.

This is what I've been striving for. This is what my whole life has been about! Why am I so nervous? Do I want to stop? NO WAY! Do I want to go back? (see previous answer, insert explicative) Then what is the bloody problem!?

Flop sweat. I was an actor at one time (I hope to return to the stage someday). Community theatre, but still theatre. Before I went on stage I would still feel that. I would worry that I would forget my lines, or stumble over the furniture, or somehow embarrass myself. There are plenty of ways to do that!

This isn't stagecraft for me, this is life. This is where I finally start 24/7 FOR REAL! And I am plagued by C.L.O.D. fears. "What are you doing!" "Are you NUTS" "You're going to do WHAT!?!?"

Ok let's take them in order, shall we?

"What are you doing!"
I about to start living my life the way I should have always lived it.

"Are you NUTS"
No. Actually probably the most sane thing I've done.

"You're going to do WHAT!?!?"
I said, I'm going to live as a woman starting on that new day, and going on for the rest of my life. My male name will be forgotten (as much as it can be) and when I die (hopefully a long time from now) my tombstone will say Sandra Louise. How much clearer can I make that?

Flop sweat, fear, jumping off a cliff into the unknown. Yes, all of those.

Would I have it any other way?

NOT!

-Sandy (my knees are still knocking, but don't stand between me and my transition!)

It's 12:40 in the morning...

It's 12:40 in the morning...

I really need to go to bed. I'm exhausted. But I have to change before I go to bed. Taking off my makeup at night is so depressing. It means that the morning is coming and I have to go and pretend that I'm a guy.

Really, I'd just like to scrub up enough that I can go to bed without leaving my makeup on my pillow and tomorrow just put my face on and get dressed for work. Soon, Sandy, soon. At least I hope so.

Today I finally met the FTM at work. He and I will be working together to develop the transition milestones for our company. There is a certain symmetry about he and I which I find appealing. He is so sweet. He insisted on opening all the doors for me. And so polite. I could get used to that!

Also we found out from our contact in HR that there have been other transitions so ours isn't all that much news. That gives me some comfort because I just want this to be old news.

I'm so close to just outing myself and being done with it. I'm so damn tired of playing the game. But it really isn't fair to my co-workers to be blindsided like that. And the more acceptance I have from my closest associates and manager, the easier my transition will be.

But every day I get up and I live the lie.

-Sandy (well at least it's such a little lie now)

Well so far, so good...

Well so far, so good...

That is what they heard as the guy say as he fell out the window. Passing every floor, he was heard to say "Tenth Floor, so far so good... "Ninth floor..."

I've been moved out of the house for about two weeks now. I'm having a hard time remembering what it was like to be the other guy. Like a bad dream remembered upon awakening.

I've been back to the "Soon to be ex-wife's house" (stbewh) and while we were cordial and communicative, the nightmare returned almost as soon as I crossed the threshold. I stopped being myself, Sandra. And once again became just a guy in drag.

I went from breathing to holding my breath. The sense of compression was almost palpable.

There are more issues involved here with the dissolution of my marriage of over twenty years, than me finally recognizing that I'm a transsexual and I must pursue my true gender identity. The other issues I really won't speak of here. It would be too long and boring anyway.

I have realized though that not only do I not want to go back, I *cannot* go back. The very house I used to live in is cursed. Attempting to kill my self esteem by making me call forward that pastiche persona evolved to keep me from getting beat up too bad because I wasn't like other boys. Doing so re-opens the hole I used to fall down. The clinical depression whose siren's song called me to suicide to end the pain. I can no more return to that than I would willingly drink acid.

Today when I got dressed, I decided not to use my forms and just see how I looked au natural. For the first time I filled my bra cups. Not overflowing of course, but no wrinkles in the cups either. That felt good when I put on one of my clingier tops and I looked at myself in the mirror and I had real curves.

Every day I go forward in this new life convinces me that this is the right path. Today I went out by myself to Target and started stocking up on those essential things a woman needs in her life. More clothes! And undies, jewelry, and makeup. I'm working my way up from the no-name trash makeup to the drug store variety though it may be a while before I'm using SmashBox on a regular basis. Can you say sticker shock?! Oh and the real reason I went out in the first place. To replace the coffee maker that was damaged when I moved out. I had to check my makeup about a dozen times before I left the house. I felt like I looked like a raccoon, but my friend assured me that I looked fine.

Going to the store really was fun! I felt comfortable and completely at ease. I must have cruised the aisles at least three times each. I was finally in my element. Doing things the way I always should have been doing them. I want to be accepted by society as a female and today I was. Not for the first time, because I have been shopping before, but those times I was with friends. This time was solo. And it felt really good. My friend just shook her head when I came in with an armload of bags saying "How quickly they leave the nest..."

My friend asks me what is stopping me from transitioning. I will be accepted at work, so what is the problem? Really, just not having a sufficiently large and compete wardrobe for a working woman. It was different when I was just going out two or three times a month. A half dozen outfits would be fine. Now it really isn't. Since I will soon be involved in a divorce, finances will get tight pretty quickly so I can't just go and drop a couple of thousand or more on clothes. So like anyone on a budget, I'll have to set limits and priorities. Even that kind of bowls me over. I'm having real world issues about living. And only parenthetically are they related to living as a woman. This is what I have been wanting all my life. Just to be a regular person in society. And very quickly I am. I no longer feel outcast, different or strange. I'm actually feeling *normal*. It's just that normal, for me, happens to be, among other things, being female. So what's the big deal?

None really...

-Sandy