My granddaughter, my transition, and me.

The "talk" has happened.

I discussed it a bit in this post:

Who is that she asked?

My oldest granddaughter now knows that Grandma Sandy was once a boy, and what that means.

I was hoping to be the one that had the conversation, but it didn't turn out that way.

My son-in-law was showing pictures of the renovation we did at my last house.  We gutted and completely rebuilt the kitchen.  Not recommended for the faint of heart.

Anyway, as he was showing the pictures, my granddaughter kept staring at the man with the goatee.  My son-in-law didn't say anything about it.

After looking at the pictures for a bit she pointed to him and exclaimed; "That's my Grandma Sandy!"

My son-in-law said, yes, that was before your grandma became a girl.  She used to be a boy.  He and I had discussed it before and just decided that if she had any questions or anything, just keep it matter of fact.

"She looks different now" she said.

"Well she had some surgeries to help her change".

And then he went into some brief discussions about all the facial and breast work that was done.  I don't think he talked too much about SRS, but she does know how boys are different than girls in that respect.

Later that evening when I got home, she talked to me about all the work I had done.  I was quite surprised about how she found out, but just agreed with her and said that all those things were true.  It wasn't until later that I found out what had occurred.

And nothing has changed.  I'm still her grandma Sandy and she loves me just as much as before.  And I teared up a bit when she hugged me after we talked.

Folks, I am so close to bankruptcy that I wonder from day to day if I can put food on the table.  My bills seem endless.  I worry about money perhaps way more than I should.

I knew that I would be financially ruined by my transition.  I may never completely recover. 

One of the things therapy is supposed to do is to set expectations for your post transition life.  To make you understand that your problems will not magically go away simply because your presentation finally  matches what's in your head.  Well *that* part is really true!

But I knew I had only two choices left to me when I failed at my last attempt at suicide.  Keep trying until I get it right or change.

I knew I made the right decision, of course.

But I never knew the true riches I would receive when I am hugged and kissed by one such as her.  They are more precious to me than gold.

-Sandy

Susan Stanton and "Her Name was Steven"

Many have already commented on this, but I think I should put my spin on this.

Autumn Sandeen over at Pam's House Blend review of cnn documentary her name was steven hit it on the head when she said that you could have gotten plastered playing the Trans Documentary Drinking game.  Why in the hell does just about every trans documentary show MTF's putting on makeup or FTM's lifting weights?  Is there a chapter on this at the New York Film Academy or what?  I was not impressed by those  cliched scenes.  You would think that if CNN were making a documentary about Hillary Clinton, they would not be so crass as to ask *her* to put on makeup for the cameras.

I have already commented on her very public outing here: The Stanton mess

Ms Stanton was thrust into the limelight as both an example and an advocate.  It was apparent very quickly that she was prepared for neither.  Her comments regarding the ENDA mess and siding with HRC proved to be equivalent to tap dancing in a minefield.  You could tell from her shots as the keynote speaker at Be-All that, while Steven may have been a very confident public figure, Susan was nervous and unprepared.

While transitioning is a public process in that the changes that are made are very visible, the internal process is very, very private.

Also for late bloomers, we spend most of our lives outside the main LGBT community and we have no clue as to what all the forces are when we join.  And like me, she spent a very short time from the moment of her revelation of her true nature to the time of her public appearance.  Up to that point her mind was probably as closeted as her outfits.

For the most part we are very private people.  We spend so much of our waking lives regarding this blessing-within-a-curse but very little of it is externalized.  As a result we tend to be withdrawn.  It takes much courage to open that door and know that the life you knew is at an end.  Then to have all the undeserved vitriol heaped upon her prior to her firing showed it be a great strain on her.

Her thoughts of suicide at the end of the documentary are very understandable.  Loss of family, friends, employment, hatred not only from those outside the community, but inside as well all weighed on her.  We all have had those thoughts.  Many of us have acted on them.  And too often, many of us have succeeded.

I feel that we expected too much of her.  She was not prepared to be the spokesperson for a whole people.  She was just trying to live.  And like a butterfly just out of her chrysalis, her wings were not dry, but we  expected her to fly.  Much of her angst is our doing.  And we should not hold that against her.

I hope that in her new position as city manager for Lake Worth that she now has what she was yearning for at the end of the documentary.  Going to work in the morning and staying late, saying hello to people, looking forward to Monday, enjoying the weekend and having the love of her son.

In other words, having what all of us want.

Just to live.

-Sandy

Our "friend" bill brady

From his website for his run for governor of Illinois:

He opposes gay marriage and civil unions. He voted against the state law passed in 2005 that banned discrimination against gays and lesbians in matters of housing and employment. 

He would also roll back the LGBT provisions in the previously established Illinois non-discrimination laws that also include gender identity protection.

We must NOT let happen here what is happening in Virginia!
equality virginia

I for one will not be voting for this one!

-Sandy

Non Discrimination Law in Illinois under attack - update

I live in Illinois where we enjoy non-discrimination in ways that should set a standard for the rest of the country.

We have ENDA rules that encompass gender identity both as state and city of Chicago regulations.

It was primarily this law that afforded me such an easy transition in my life.  I feel especially blessed because of it.

Now this law is under attack from primarily a republican gubernatorial hopeful bill brady.

Currently this bill is dormant but could be called at any time:

Here is more information from Equity Illinois: Update on Non-Discrimination Law Attack
And background information from bilerico
and pams houseblend

I would have added my own take on this but these fine citizen journalists have done a much better job than I could.

Please get involved and contact your local state senator especially if you live in Illinois.  Do not let the hard won efforts of equality be eroded by these people.

Eternal Vigilance is the Cost of Liberty.

-Sandy

UPDATE: Apparently, through a dedicated undertaking of constituents, this bill has been terminated.  Which is a good thing.  However we cannot ever relax our stance on maintaining our precious rights.

I look forward to the day...

I look forward to the day where getting married is an occasion of simple joy, not cause celebre for hate and dissonance.

I look forward to the day that a persons gender may be fluid, fixed, or even slightly molten and the collective response is, "so?"

I look forward to the day that the word queer is returned to it's proper place in the dictionary and not be a simultaneous epithet and true description of a person.

I look forward to the day that everyone sees the joy in life.

I look forward to the day that I can stop being cynical.

With love,

-Sandy

Well here they are...

I've just spent the last couple of days copying my blog entries from Susan's to here.

You can read the original posts at Susan's and see responses to them at her site.

I'm not leaving Susan's, but I feel having my blog entries in chronological sequence makes more sense and I think that being here they might be more visible to the wider world.

I'm hoping that these posts may help someone else in their journey.

In my small way, I'm hoping to pay forward some of the debt that I owe the others that have gone before me.

-Sandy

The Incomprehesibility of Gender Identity

The Incomprehesibility of Gender Identity

Through this forum and others like it, and IRL, I have had to explain what this whole gender change thing is all about.

I have had to explain the discomfort that turned to anguish I experienced every day. And the prayer that I said every night.

To those I have had to explain this to, partners, therapists, and relations, the most compassionate have said that they can comprehend the pain, but could never understand it. Others, less compassionate and less comprehending, have called me sissy, faggot, queer, and more. All of us have had to endure this treatment.

But just today I sat down and I tried, I REALLY tried to understand what it would be like to not have GID. To actually be born in a body that my brain accepted, male or female, it doesn't matter.

And I came to the realization that *I* couldn't comprehend or understand this alien concept! I am just short of two years post-op and I am greatly contented, trust me! But every time I look in a mirror, go to the 'loo, or take a shower I know that I wasn't born this way.

What would life have been like waking up every morning and NOT having my gender as the first thing I thought about? What kind of different child would I have been? What would have my school experiences been? Would I have been the same wall flower at dances? Would I have taken a more active role in sports? Would I have challenged the alpha male in school? Or had I been born female would I have dated hunky football players? *heart flutter*

We here at Susan's have this massive blessing-within-a-curse in common regardless of our other backgrounds, and we view those without GID as being outside our two-spirit community. And they do the same to us. We are separate. Even our most loving, compassionate partners view us as different. Loved, but different.

This has been a stream of consciousness post, but has anyone else tried this exercise? Have you tried to put yourself in the shoes of the *others*? What does it feel like? I certainly don't know!

(As the fates would have it, my iPod just randomly shuffled into Pinkard & Bowden's "Since My Baby Turned Gay"! I wonder when "Dude Looks Like a Lady" will turn up)

-Sandy