There was a forum post over at Susan's about "Why we come to Susan's?"
Many of the answers were to the effect of:
1) Learning about transgender issues
2) Finding others like themselves
3) Navigating their way through the quagmire of gender change
4) Be a resource for others
I think most of the post-whatever ladies and gentlemen have been in each of those categories.
But once you complete yourself and your transition, why stay? Why not just go on and leave us behind and get on with life. To be honest, many have. And that is absolutely fine.
We stay to save lives.
Unlike other forums about bowling, motocross, or basket weaving, we stay because we need each other. No one else understands the issues of transgenderism as one in our community. No one can really relate to the depression that strikes us. Or can truly understand the joy of taking one more step on our journey of completion.
How many of us have posted because we were at the end of our ropes? We came to look for solace and understanding. We can understand. We can sympathize, we've been there, or are there ourselves.
And how many times have we given hope to someone who was without hope. And who, without our support, would have taken a decidedly darker turn in their lives?
This is why we post. Why many of us stay. To welcome others who are searching and feel lost. To pull someone in from the ledge.
This isn't about hobbies or vacations. This is real life. This is about preserving life.
So keep posting, keep talking, keep the conversation going.
I will.
-Sandy
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Well, that's five bucks I'll never see again!
DO NOT BUY THIS MAGAZINE!
The current issue of Scientific America Mind, is devoted to the differences between males and females.
Normally I don't get these issues, but this one caught my eye because it not only discusses the difference between male and female brains, minds and attitudes, it had an article specifically about transsexuals called
"The Third Gender"
Transsexuals are illuminating
the biology and psychology
of sex—and revealing just how
diverse the human species
really is.
By Jesse Bering
My respect for Sci Am goes back decades, every major scientist from just about every discipline has had an article in here. It has been around for over 150 years. It was the major force in proving medical gadgets and snake oil were fakes and not only useless but harmful as well. It mediated between the AMA and quack "doctors" in proving that their quackery was dangerous and prevented people from seeking proper professional help. It lead to the formation of the FDA and the stringent medical laws that are on the books now.
I remember reading about black holes when professor Hawkings described them and how they were such a mystery.
The EPR paradox of quantum mechanics was debated and even whether or not the universe had a beginning or was eternal.
So I bought the online version of this issue and read through it.
SciAm has changed much over the years. When I first started reading it, it was not really a mainstream magazine and had very little background in it for the layperson.
These days it is much more dumbed down. Most of the articles are pop sci quality and more of an overview rather than an in depth discussion of an idea.
This article was much the same. It is mostly just an overview of things that we in the community already know: Sex is not gender, gender isn't between your legs, sexual orientation has noting to do with it, etc. And it said rightfully that cross dressing and drag are not necessarily related to transsexuality.
And talks about Chaz Bono and Caster Semenya. All fine and good, but nothing really new, even to the moderately cognizant layperson.
Ok, fine, tell me something I don't know.
Then it starts quoting from Blanchard Lawence about autogynephilia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fully one third of the article is devoted to talking about their discredited research. And put Lawence's book in the further reading information and also lists Zucker's article in the DSM.
I call bullsh!t on this!
There was nothing about other research or anything about the elements of medical research that may point to more physical reasons for this condition.
The Author bio:
Experimental psychologist JESSE BERING is director of the Institute of Cognition and
Culture at the Queen’s University, Belfast. He writes the featured blog “Bering in
Mind” for www.ScientificAmerican.com. Bering’s first book, The Belief Instinct: The
Hidden Psychology of Souls, Destiny and the Meaning of Life, is forthcoming from
W. W. Norton in the fall of 2010.
I am not remotely familiar enough with the field of psychology to recognize this person, nor have I visited their blog. I may do that later when I calm down.
I am severely disappointed and disheartened that they would allow this rubbish to be published.
Save your money. There is nothing to see here!
-Sandy
The current issue of Scientific America Mind, is devoted to the differences between males and females.
Normally I don't get these issues, but this one caught my eye because it not only discusses the difference between male and female brains, minds and attitudes, it had an article specifically about transsexuals called
"The Third Gender"
Transsexuals are illuminating
the biology and psychology
of sex—and revealing just how
diverse the human species
really is.
By Jesse Bering
My respect for Sci Am goes back decades, every major scientist from just about every discipline has had an article in here. It has been around for over 150 years. It was the major force in proving medical gadgets and snake oil were fakes and not only useless but harmful as well. It mediated between the AMA and quack "doctors" in proving that their quackery was dangerous and prevented people from seeking proper professional help. It lead to the formation of the FDA and the stringent medical laws that are on the books now.
I remember reading about black holes when professor Hawkings described them and how they were such a mystery.
The EPR paradox of quantum mechanics was debated and even whether or not the universe had a beginning or was eternal.
So I bought the online version of this issue and read through it.
SciAm has changed much over the years. When I first started reading it, it was not really a mainstream magazine and had very little background in it for the layperson.
These days it is much more dumbed down. Most of the articles are pop sci quality and more of an overview rather than an in depth discussion of an idea.
This article was much the same. It is mostly just an overview of things that we in the community already know: Sex is not gender, gender isn't between your legs, sexual orientation has noting to do with it, etc. And it said rightfully that cross dressing and drag are not necessarily related to transsexuality.
And talks about Chaz Bono and Caster Semenya. All fine and good, but nothing really new, even to the moderately cognizant layperson.
Ok, fine, tell me something I don't know.
Then it starts quoting from Blanchard Lawence about autogynephilia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fully one third of the article is devoted to talking about their discredited research. And put Lawence's book in the further reading information and also lists Zucker's article in the DSM.
I call bullsh!t on this!
There was nothing about other research or anything about the elements of medical research that may point to more physical reasons for this condition.
The Author bio:
Experimental psychologist JESSE BERING is director of the Institute of Cognition and
Culture at the Queen’s University, Belfast. He writes the featured blog “Bering in
Mind” for www.ScientificAmerican.com. Bering’s first book, The Belief Instinct: The
Hidden Psychology of Souls, Destiny and the Meaning of Life, is forthcoming from
W. W. Norton in the fall of 2010.
I am not remotely familiar enough with the field of psychology to recognize this person, nor have I visited their blog. I may do that later when I calm down.
I am severely disappointed and disheartened that they would allow this rubbish to be published.
Save your money. There is nothing to see here!
-Sandy
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Delaney
Delaney talks to statues
As she dances 'round the pool
She chases cats through roman ruins
And stomps on big toadstools
She speaks a language all her own
That I cannot discover
But she knows I love her so
When I tuck her 'neath the covers
Father, daughter
Down by the water
Shells sink, dreams float
Life's good on our boat
Songwriters: Buffett, Jimmy;Lee, Amy;Mcanally, Mac
I'm not much of a parrot head, though, like just about everybody else think that Mr Buffett is one fine story teller. I have quite a number of his songs on my Rockbox'd iPod and it shuffled this song up on the way home.
When I was a father, I feel I never had the time to give my daughters the kind of attention that is talked about in "Delaney". I always had the job to do and I was on call 24/7 throughout most of my career. I gave them as much as I possibly could (I was even a cookie mom for girl scouts one year), but I never felt it was enough. They turned out all right in spite of that and know that family is what is important in life.
But now I have two little ones under foot all the time (my daughter, son-in-law, and kids live with me). And now I have a bit of a second chance.
I still have the job, but I am more of an emeritus fire fighter in computer geek terms, and rarely get calls outside of work.
And when "Delaney" started playing when I was on the train, I realized I shouldn't waste my second chance.
So my oldest granddaughter and I sat outside when I got home and we chatted, she rode her little training wheeled bike up and back. She rode down the sidewalk a ways waving and yelling goodbye and saying that she had to go to the "leaf store". She rode to the "store", picked a single dandelion leaf and rode back to give it to me. Then rode back to get another. This went on until she was startled (read terrified) when she saw a bug. She is almost phobic about flying bugs because of a bee sting once.
I ran to her aid and calmed her down and hugged her close. It was getting dark so we put her bike away and came in to get ready for supper. She then "helped" her mom with dinner. When it my turn to cook, my granddaughter is "little chief", ala "ratatouille". We make a mess have fun.
She is my Delaney. And I love her so. Unlike Delaney, though, she tucks me in at night and will read me a bedtime story. Book held upside down pretending to read the words and making the story up as she goes. The stories can be quite restful. She'll stop, sometimes in mid sentence, and then say "The End!" She gives me a goodnight kiss and tucks *me* 'neath the covers.
My relationship with my youngest granddaughter is developing in it's own special way. Our relationship is different than the one I have with my oldest granddaughter just as my relationship is different with my two daughters.
She will be two in August and speaks a language not found on earth. She has a running commentary about everything. I truly wish I could understand what she is saying. I'm sure I will learn more from her than she from me. I feel our classes have only begun and she is starting me out on the simple concepts and she will educate me on more complex topics as we go along.
Yeah, life's good on our boat...
-Sandy
As she dances 'round the pool
She chases cats through roman ruins
And stomps on big toadstools
She speaks a language all her own
That I cannot discover
But she knows I love her so
When I tuck her 'neath the covers
Father, daughter
Down by the water
Shells sink, dreams float
Life's good on our boat
Songwriters: Buffett, Jimmy;Lee, Amy;Mcanally, Mac
I'm not much of a parrot head, though, like just about everybody else think that Mr Buffett is one fine story teller. I have quite a number of his songs on my Rockbox'd iPod and it shuffled this song up on the way home.
When I was a father, I feel I never had the time to give my daughters the kind of attention that is talked about in "Delaney". I always had the job to do and I was on call 24/7 throughout most of my career. I gave them as much as I possibly could (I was even a cookie mom for girl scouts one year), but I never felt it was enough. They turned out all right in spite of that and know that family is what is important in life.
But now I have two little ones under foot all the time (my daughter, son-in-law, and kids live with me). And now I have a bit of a second chance.
I still have the job, but I am more of an emeritus fire fighter in computer geek terms, and rarely get calls outside of work.
And when "Delaney" started playing when I was on the train, I realized I shouldn't waste my second chance.
So my oldest granddaughter and I sat outside when I got home and we chatted, she rode her little training wheeled bike up and back. She rode down the sidewalk a ways waving and yelling goodbye and saying that she had to go to the "leaf store". She rode to the "store", picked a single dandelion leaf and rode back to give it to me. Then rode back to get another. This went on until she was startled (read terrified) when she saw a bug. She is almost phobic about flying bugs because of a bee sting once.
I ran to her aid and calmed her down and hugged her close. It was getting dark so we put her bike away and came in to get ready for supper. She then "helped" her mom with dinner. When it my turn to cook, my granddaughter is "little chief", ala "ratatouille". We make a mess have fun.
She is my Delaney. And I love her so. Unlike Delaney, though, she tucks me in at night and will read me a bedtime story. Book held upside down pretending to read the words and making the story up as she goes. The stories can be quite restful. She'll stop, sometimes in mid sentence, and then say "The End!" She gives me a goodnight kiss and tucks *me* 'neath the covers.
My relationship with my youngest granddaughter is developing in it's own special way. Our relationship is different than the one I have with my oldest granddaughter just as my relationship is different with my two daughters.
She will be two in August and speaks a language not found on earth. She has a running commentary about everything. I truly wish I could understand what she is saying. I'm sure I will learn more from her than she from me. I feel our classes have only begun and she is starting me out on the simple concepts and she will educate me on more complex topics as we go along.
Yeah, life's good on our boat...
-Sandy
Friday, April 2, 2010
My granddaughter, my transition, and me.
The "talk" has happened.
I discussed it a bit in this post:
Who is that she asked?
My oldest granddaughter now knows that Grandma Sandy was once a boy, and what that means.
I was hoping to be the one that had the conversation, but it didn't turn out that way.
My son-in-law was showing pictures of the renovation we did at my last house. We gutted and completely rebuilt the kitchen. Not recommended for the faint of heart.
Anyway, as he was showing the pictures, my granddaughter kept staring at the man with the goatee. My son-in-law didn't say anything about it.
After looking at the pictures for a bit she pointed to him and exclaimed; "That's my Grandma Sandy!"
My son-in-law said, yes, that was before your grandma became a girl. She used to be a boy. He and I had discussed it before and just decided that if she had any questions or anything, just keep it matter of fact.
"She looks different now" she said.
"Well she had some surgeries to help her change".
And then he went into some brief discussions about all the facial and breast work that was done. I don't think he talked too much about SRS, but she does know how boys are different than girls in that respect.
Later that evening when I got home, she talked to me about all the work I had done. I was quite surprised about how she found out, but just agreed with her and said that all those things were true. It wasn't until later that I found out what had occurred.
And nothing has changed. I'm still her grandma Sandy and she loves me just as much as before. And I teared up a bit when she hugged me after we talked.
Folks, I am so close to bankruptcy that I wonder from day to day if I can put food on the table. My bills seem endless. I worry about money perhaps way more than I should.
I knew that I would be financially ruined by my transition. I may never completely recover.
One of the things therapy is supposed to do is to set expectations for your post transition life. To make you understand that your problems will not magically go away simply because your presentation finally matches what's in your head. Well *that* part is really true!
But I knew I had only two choices left to me when I failed at my last attempt at suicide. Keep trying until I get it right or change.
I knew I made the right decision, of course.
But I never knew the true riches I would receive when I am hugged and kissed by one such as her. They are more precious to me than gold.
-Sandy
I discussed it a bit in this post:
Who is that she asked?
My oldest granddaughter now knows that Grandma Sandy was once a boy, and what that means.
I was hoping to be the one that had the conversation, but it didn't turn out that way.
My son-in-law was showing pictures of the renovation we did at my last house. We gutted and completely rebuilt the kitchen. Not recommended for the faint of heart.
Anyway, as he was showing the pictures, my granddaughter kept staring at the man with the goatee. My son-in-law didn't say anything about it.
After looking at the pictures for a bit she pointed to him and exclaimed; "That's my Grandma Sandy!"
My son-in-law said, yes, that was before your grandma became a girl. She used to be a boy. He and I had discussed it before and just decided that if she had any questions or anything, just keep it matter of fact.
"She looks different now" she said.
"Well she had some surgeries to help her change".
And then he went into some brief discussions about all the facial and breast work that was done. I don't think he talked too much about SRS, but she does know how boys are different than girls in that respect.
Later that evening when I got home, she talked to me about all the work I had done. I was quite surprised about how she found out, but just agreed with her and said that all those things were true. It wasn't until later that I found out what had occurred.
And nothing has changed. I'm still her grandma Sandy and she loves me just as much as before. And I teared up a bit when she hugged me after we talked.
Folks, I am so close to bankruptcy that I wonder from day to day if I can put food on the table. My bills seem endless. I worry about money perhaps way more than I should.
I knew that I would be financially ruined by my transition. I may never completely recover.
One of the things therapy is supposed to do is to set expectations for your post transition life. To make you understand that your problems will not magically go away simply because your presentation finally matches what's in your head. Well *that* part is really true!
But I knew I had only two choices left to me when I failed at my last attempt at suicide. Keep trying until I get it right or change.
I knew I made the right decision, of course.
But I never knew the true riches I would receive when I am hugged and kissed by one such as her. They are more precious to me than gold.
-Sandy
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Susan Stanton and "Her Name was Steven"
Many have already commented on this, but I think I should put my spin on this.
Autumn Sandeen over at Pam's House Blend review of cnn documentary her name was steven hit it on the head when she said that you could have gotten plastered playing the Trans Documentary Drinking game. Why in the hell does just about every trans documentary show MTF's putting on makeup or FTM's lifting weights? Is there a chapter on this at the New York Film Academy or what? I was not impressed by those cliched scenes. You would think that if CNN were making a documentary about Hillary Clinton, they would not be so crass as to ask *her* to put on makeup for the cameras.
I have already commented on her very public outing here: The Stanton mess
Ms Stanton was thrust into the limelight as both an example and an advocate. It was apparent very quickly that she was prepared for neither. Her comments regarding the ENDA mess and siding with HRC proved to be equivalent to tap dancing in a minefield. You could tell from her shots as the keynote speaker at Be-All that, while Steven may have been a very confident public figure, Susan was nervous and unprepared.
While transitioning is a public process in that the changes that are made are very visible, the internal process is very, very private.
Also for late bloomers, we spend most of our lives outside the main LGBT community and we have no clue as to what all the forces are when we join. And like me, she spent a very short time from the moment of her revelation of her true nature to the time of her public appearance. Up to that point her mind was probably as closeted as her outfits.
For the most part we are very private people. We spend so much of our waking lives regarding this blessing-within-a-curse but very little of it is externalized. As a result we tend to be withdrawn. It takes much courage to open that door and know that the life you knew is at an end. Then to have all the undeserved vitriol heaped upon her prior to her firing showed it be a great strain on her.
Her thoughts of suicide at the end of the documentary are very understandable. Loss of family, friends, employment, hatred not only from those outside the community, but inside as well all weighed on her. We all have had those thoughts. Many of us have acted on them. And too often, many of us have succeeded.
I feel that we expected too much of her. She was not prepared to be the spokesperson for a whole people. She was just trying to live. And like a butterfly just out of her chrysalis, her wings were not dry, but we expected her to fly. Much of her angst is our doing. And we should not hold that against her.
I hope that in her new position as city manager for Lake Worth that she now has what she was yearning for at the end of the documentary. Going to work in the morning and staying late, saying hello to people, looking forward to Monday, enjoying the weekend and having the love of her son.
In other words, having what all of us want.
Just to live.
-Sandy
Autumn Sandeen over at Pam's House Blend review of cnn documentary her name was steven hit it on the head when she said that you could have gotten plastered playing the Trans Documentary Drinking game. Why in the hell does just about every trans documentary show MTF's putting on makeup or FTM's lifting weights? Is there a chapter on this at the New York Film Academy or what? I was not impressed by those cliched scenes. You would think that if CNN were making a documentary about Hillary Clinton, they would not be so crass as to ask *her* to put on makeup for the cameras.
I have already commented on her very public outing here: The Stanton mess
Ms Stanton was thrust into the limelight as both an example and an advocate. It was apparent very quickly that she was prepared for neither. Her comments regarding the ENDA mess and siding with HRC proved to be equivalent to tap dancing in a minefield. You could tell from her shots as the keynote speaker at Be-All that, while Steven may have been a very confident public figure, Susan was nervous and unprepared.
While transitioning is a public process in that the changes that are made are very visible, the internal process is very, very private.
Also for late bloomers, we spend most of our lives outside the main LGBT community and we have no clue as to what all the forces are when we join. And like me, she spent a very short time from the moment of her revelation of her true nature to the time of her public appearance. Up to that point her mind was probably as closeted as her outfits.
For the most part we are very private people. We spend so much of our waking lives regarding this blessing-within-a-curse but very little of it is externalized. As a result we tend to be withdrawn. It takes much courage to open that door and know that the life you knew is at an end. Then to have all the undeserved vitriol heaped upon her prior to her firing showed it be a great strain on her.
Her thoughts of suicide at the end of the documentary are very understandable. Loss of family, friends, employment, hatred not only from those outside the community, but inside as well all weighed on her. We all have had those thoughts. Many of us have acted on them. And too often, many of us have succeeded.
I feel that we expected too much of her. She was not prepared to be the spokesperson for a whole people. She was just trying to live. And like a butterfly just out of her chrysalis, her wings were not dry, but we expected her to fly. Much of her angst is our doing. And we should not hold that against her.
I hope that in her new position as city manager for Lake Worth that she now has what she was yearning for at the end of the documentary. Going to work in the morning and staying late, saying hello to people, looking forward to Monday, enjoying the weekend and having the love of her son.
In other words, having what all of us want.
Just to live.
-Sandy
Monday, March 8, 2010
Our "friend" bill brady
From his website for his run for governor of Illinois:
We must NOT let happen here what is happening in Virginia!
equality virginia
I for one will not be voting for this one!
-Sandy
He opposes gay marriage and civil unions. He voted against the state law passed in 2005 that banned discrimination against gays and lesbians in matters of housing and employment.He would also roll back the LGBT provisions in the previously established Illinois non-discrimination laws that also include gender identity protection.
We must NOT let happen here what is happening in Virginia!
equality virginia
I for one will not be voting for this one!
-Sandy
Non Discrimination Law in Illinois under attack - update
I live in Illinois where we enjoy non-discrimination in ways that should set a standard for the rest of the country.
We have ENDA rules that encompass gender identity both as state and city of Chicago regulations.
It was primarily this law that afforded me such an easy transition in my life. I feel especially blessed because of it.
Now this law is under attack from primarily a republican gubernatorial hopeful bill brady.
Currently this bill is dormant but could be called at any time:
Here is more information from Equity Illinois: Update on Non-Discrimination Law Attack
And background information from bilerico
and pams houseblend
I would have added my own take on this but these fine citizen journalists have done a much better job than I could.
Please get involved and contact your local state senator especially if you live in Illinois. Do not let the hard won efforts of equality be eroded by these people.
Eternal Vigilance is the Cost of Liberty.
-Sandy
UPDATE: Apparently, through a dedicated undertaking of constituents, this bill has been terminated. Which is a good thing. However we cannot ever relax our stance on maintaining our precious rights.
We have ENDA rules that encompass gender identity both as state and city of Chicago regulations.
It was primarily this law that afforded me such an easy transition in my life. I feel especially blessed because of it.
Now this law is under attack from primarily a republican gubernatorial hopeful bill brady.
Currently this bill is dormant but could be called at any time:
Here is more information from Equity Illinois: Update on Non-Discrimination Law Attack
And background information from bilerico
and pams houseblend
I would have added my own take on this but these fine citizen journalists have done a much better job than I could.
Please get involved and contact your local state senator especially if you live in Illinois. Do not let the hard won efforts of equality be eroded by these people.
Eternal Vigilance is the Cost of Liberty.
-Sandy
UPDATE: Apparently, through a dedicated undertaking of constituents, this bill has been terminated. Which is a good thing. However we cannot ever relax our stance on maintaining our precious rights.
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