The Quilt

The Quilt

This past week, I had an opportunity to volunteer at our company's display of sections from the Names Project AIDS Quilt It was part of our LGBT Pride month celebration. The Quilt project was originally started in 1987 as a protest against the way in which people with AIDS were treated and many left to die without support by the healthcare industry.

A quilt panel is 3 feet by 6 feet and represents the size of a human grave. To date there are over fifty thousand quilt panels. It is so large that it can no longer be displayed in its entirety. Each one representing at least one human being. Think about that. The quilt only represents only about 17 percent of all the people just in the US of all the people who have died as a result of AIDS. Worldwide, these numbers are in the *millions*.

I am one that cannot comprehend the magnitude of such terrible numbers. But staring at a single quilt panel constructed to be the same size and shape as a human grave and then imagining a person lying on that spot. Then realizing that in some cases this panel is all that is left to remember the passing of that person...

A panel can be made up of any fabric, though they recommend long wearing cotton. They are decorated with pictures, buttons, or paraphernalia from the life of the person.

While I have lost a friend to AIDS, I contemplated making a panel for him, but I never did. Regardless, when I saw all those panels, and we only had a few hundred, I was moved to tears. The room took on the feeling of a wake. A somber place where lost friends can be remembered.

What devastated me were the panels for infants and children. Some less than a year old. I could not look at those panels without weeping.

To date there is no cure or vaccine for AIDS. All that is available is suppression therapy which involves a complicated regimented cocktail of expensive medications which can reduce the presence of the AIDS virus to virtual indictability. This adds years to the lives of those infected. But just because it is undetectable, it is still present and continues to wear away the immunity defenses of the human body.

An amazing coincidence occurred as well. One of our co-workers came to view the panel. He had lost two partners to the ravages of AIDS. He had made panels for each of them. And amazingly BOTH panels were on display. What made it even more miraculous was the each of the panels were part of different panel blocks (six panels to a block) so the chances of those two blocks being given to us to display is truly miraculous.

Please pray to all that is holy that the scourge of this disease is controlled soon. We have lost too, too many.

-Sandy

All in a day's work...

All in a day's work...

The other day I was going into my office building and my mind was elsewhere. We're supposed to press our id badges against the reader to unlock the turnstile. I completely ditzed out and just barreled right into it. I hit the bar of the turnstile right at my hips and I was bent over double by the impact. Feeling *very* foolish I fished in my purse for my badge. The guard sitting behind his desk asked if I was alright.

I said; "Yes, I'm just a little ditzy today, that's all."
He said; "Well, just be glad you're not a man!"

I smiled sweetly at him and giggled.

He doesn't know *how* glad I'm not a man!

-Sandy

Before and After

Before and After

Julie and I were chatting the other night and we ended up talking about where we started from.

She mentioned the frightened woman who practically put her in a death grip the first time we went to dinner. I remember those days with amusement and chagrin.

But I also remember the person before that. The one who slumbers now.

I went back in my archives and did a little cut-n-paste and here are the results.

About the only thing in common between those two people is that they're both wearing necklaces.

The beard picture is from May of 2003, just before the inner turmoil in me started into its terminal phase.

The blond picture is from this past Be-All where I have been full time for about six weeks and happier than I have been in my life.

Now if I could have transplanted that beard hair to my head...

What do you think? Is there really that much difference between the two of us? I really can't say, I've been looking at that face for the last fifty five years so I'm too close.

I know many transsexuals would never want to see their old pictures again, let alone post them for public viewing, but I don't feel that way. My past is part of me and I can examine it without reliving it. That is a recent development though.

Enjoy, if nothing else for the giggle factor!

-Sandy

Sandra Goes to Be-All

Sandra Goes to Be-All

Dr Zukowski graciously offered me two days at Be-All as a thank you for signing up for my FFS/BA, which is 47 days from now.

For those who are unfamiliar, Be-All is the largest CD/TV/TS convention in Chicago. People come from all over to attend. It was my first convention of this type that I ever attended.

I have to admit that it was an eye opening experience. I've been to other meetings but this was much larger.

I attended several seminars. Mostly dealing with cosmetics, skin care, and transsexual issues.

I attended Dr. Zukowski's session where he spoke about his skills and services in the area of facial feminization and breast augmentation. He had a very good presentation with many pictures. Also in attendance were many "Z" girl alumni. Being able to speak with women who have already undergone various facial feminization surgeries and in a wide range of post-op was very informative and comforting.

For example, there was one lady who had her surgery in late March of this year. Her skin was still showing a few dark remnants of bruising but all of the surgical scars were well healed. And there were others who were a year or more post operative. Their skin was not only clear of all noticeable surgeries, their faces had firmed up over the implants and bone shaping that was done and all soft tissue had settled back into place. What was quite apparent is that it takes a long time to completely recover from such traumatic procedures. But in the end the results are well worth the effort and in many cases these women are strikingly beautiful. While I would love to be as beautiful as some of these ladies, there is only so much that can be done. Not only are these women good looking now, they also have very petite frames so that their now, very, feminine faces accentuate their body. I have used many adjectives to describe myself, but petite is not one of them (I sometimes feel Sasquatch is a more appropriate term). I will be more than happy to end up with a face and body that combined makes an attractive package. The good doctor has assured me that he could easily accomplish that.

More to the point, what I am hoping for is that Dr Zukowski will be not only my surgeon, but my sculptor as well. A sculptor who will chip away at the shell of me and reveal the woman that has lived within for such a long time.

Also seeing all these beautiful women has made me very anxious for my surgery. I'll be posting more about that as my time grows nearer.

Another seminar that I attended was Dr. Marci Bowers from Trinidad, Colorado. Dr Bowers is one of the preeminate surgeons today in the field of GRS. She has performed over 450 GRS surgeries so far. She was a skilled surgeon well before coming to Trinidad and has been personally instructed by Dr Biber, a pioneer in the field of GRS. Dr Biber passed away in January of last year and Dr Bowers has taken up from Dr Biber. While Dr Bowers specializes in GRS, she also performs breast augmentations, and tracheal shaves.

Dr Bowers also had an impressive presentation. Not only did she show the results of her work, she also showed the repair work she performed on women who had GRS from other surgeons.

I will have GRS, but for now it is still in the future for me. But being able to talk with the doctor and one or two of her patients did give me more information to mull over. I will either go to Dr Bowers or Dr Broussard in Toronto. I will not go overseas or out of country like Mexico or Thailand. In the state of Illinois, where I live, in order to get your birth records properly amended to reflect your true gender, the doctor who performed the surgery must submit a notarized form describing the surgery performed and this doctor must be certified to operate in the United States. Both Dr. Bowers and Dr Broussard have these credentials.

Dr Bowers, in her presentation, described GRS as Genital Reassignment Surgery instead of Gender Reassignment Surgery or Sex Reassignment Surgery. Her intention is to reduce the emphasis about sex these labels have. She feels that this is not about sex or gender but a matter of identity. I can certainly agree with that! As most other people who are post-op, the primary reason for going through this whole process and spending these incredible sums was to bring out who we are. This isn't about what we do, it is about who we ARE! And that is primarily why I want to do this. To finally become who I am.

I found to Dr Bowers, who is herself a post op trans woman, to be sensitive, witty and very compassionate. Also Trinidad, Colorado is a very beautiful area. A wonderful setting to start recovery.

Susan Stanton was a keynote speaker at the gathering but I was unable to make her presentation. I am a little disappointed in that. CNN was at the convention also centering in on her specifically.

Saturday night was the gala ball. It was an opportunity for all the ladies to show off their finest clothes. I had a cream chiffon gown for just the occasion. Julie was my fashion consultant in picking out my outfit and I felt truly beautiful in it. Thanks again, Julie! It was held off site and we had limos to transport us to the event. As we stepped out of the limo, we walked up a red carpet and had video and photos taken of us. It was a movie star moment for me. Later we all climbed on risers for a group photo.

The evening had a wonderful dinner and dancing afterward. It was a wonderful time.

After the event, Dr Z. hosted a hospitality suite back at the hotel. The "Z" girls and everyone else was invited. Now I haven't touched alcohol in more than a decade, but I still was persuaded to sing bad karaoke to old '80s songs, in my gown no less! I must have been a site! But the fun was infectious.

During the course of the time I was there I saw many friends, and made many new ones. I really hadn't expected the depth of warmth and love that everyone exhibited. It was beyond mere acceptance. It was truly love for each other. That's the way it should be!

I'll be posting pictures soon. And maybe a new avatar as well. One of the things I purchased was a new wig and I feel like showing it off. Stay tuned!

-Sandy (-30-)