"Look at Him Swish..."

"Look at Him Swish..."

Ah well, it had to happen sooner or later. I need to always be mindful of my delicate state. Knowing I am a woman and trying to maintain an image that looks feminine even though my body has had to endure the ravages of testosterone.

Most times it works. Most times…

Yesterday I had to stop at the stbew’s house and pick up a few things. Following that I before I hit the road back to my place, I decided to stop at the supermarket to pick up some groceries.

I was feeling really good about myself. I was wearing one of my new summer dresses that Julie helped pick out and I really liked the way I looked.

Having been out full time for over a month now and 24x7-40 before that since January, I have no real qualms about going anywhere public. Going to the grocery store is one of the first places I went when I started being out more and more.

It was still warm, early evening and still light when I entered the store. As soon as I entered the store I notice two older women standing by the checkout counters. For and instant I make eye contact with them. And that was all it took. Instantly I was clocked. One of them nudged the other and pointed at me. Then they started giggling. As I got my cart I had to walk by them. Not too close, but close enough to hear them chatter. As I passed them the giggling turned into outright laughter. “Hey honey, what are you doing here?” and “Look at him swish!”

I’m sure others heard them and looked to see what all the chatter was about. It took all my concentration to keep from running around the corner. I maintained my normal walk, but I did turn down the first aisle I passed.

My heart was racing and my adrenaline was flowing. The fight-or-flight syndrome was hitting me big time. I took my time and just walked as casually as I could down the aisle and across the back of the store. The front of the store wasn’t visible from the back of the store so I couldn’t see if those two magpies where still in the store. I had presumed that they were getting ready to leave since they were waiting at the cash registers.

I was still spooked. I was looking at just about everyone to see if they read me. Normally I don’t do that. Most men won’t make eye contact with a woman, and most women who make eye contact will acknowledge another woman with a smile.

I cruised the back of the store for about ten minutes before I got the courage up to go to the front. By then they were gone. After that I continued my shopping. But I was still a bit flustered and ended up forgetting a couple of items. When I checked out, I went to the regular check out and gave the lady my items and my discount card. She never even blinked when she looked at me and said “Thank you, ma’am” when she handed my card back. I needed that. I needed to have that little bit of confidence rebuilding to get my self esteem out of the bucket. I smiled at her and thanked her when she gave me my receipt. I started to feel more like the woman I am instead of a guy in a dress which is how those two managed to make me feel.

Maybe it was late, and maybe I was tired, and my walk was too masculine. Maybe I had my wig on backwards, in the end it doesn’t matter. I got read. It has happened before and it will happen again. Even after my FFS. Maybe not as often, but sooner or later, someone, somewhere will have the intuitive feeling that there is more to me than meets the eye.

Hopefully the next time it won’t be quite as humiliating an event as this last one. It was the most humiliating clocking I’ve ever had. I pray that the rest of them will not be as bad as that. I can only imagine if those magpies had been guys instead. It could have turned ugly, very ugly.

This is the life I have chosen. I did not choose to be transsexual, but I did choose to come out. And in that, I accept all the problems as well as the joys that go along with that. And the joys have far out weighed the problems. This is my life and I am enjoying the heck out of it now!

Ladies and Gentlemen of the trans community: be careful out there! Things can happen in an heartbeat that will ruin your whole day! Be very aware of your surroundings. Don’t take chances!

-Sandy (humbled but not broken)

In memorium Barry Louis 1952-2007

In memorium Barry Louis 1952-2007

I was going to write something cutesy like, "I'm purging", or "I'm done crossdressing!". But no.

I just spent the better part of two hours going through Barry's things. And making a pile of clothes that would go to Goodwill. As I was doing that I realized what I was doing.

I've lost loved ones before and the purging of material items is one part of the grieving process. Of having closure. Of mourning.

With me now firmly in reality. Barry can no longer have a presence in society. His signature is becoming less valid as time goes along. Eventually he will have no corporeal existence at all. And right now that makes me sad.

So, a toast to Barry! Raise your glasses high!

He was my Protector, my Hero, my Knight in Shining Armour!

He knew joy. He had relationships. He had fulfillment.

He attained goals that I may never approach.

And when it was time for me to be born into the world, he stepped aside.

Not a moan, not a whimper, crossed his lips.

I will carry his memory deep in my heart. I know his love.

Rest in Peace My Hero.

-Sandy

Sandy Visits the Social Security Administration

Sandy Visits the Social Security Administration

The title sounds like the title of a children's book, but I couldn't come up with anything catchier.

Yesterday I went to the Social Security office here and there was a surprisingly short line.

The check in at the office is done by a computer. You touch-screen your way through menus and then the machine spits out a ticket number for you to wait for. When I looked at the computer, the guard came over and assisted me through the menus. When the machine spit out a ticket, the guard handed it to me and I and headed to the seats. There were only about five other people in the office.

The guard remarked to me that I was lucky, there didn't appear to be that many people that day. I said that the weather outside was beautiful so I guessed most people were just enjoying the day. He asked me why I was there instead of shoe shopping somewhere! This guy really knew me! I would have loved to be shoe shopping right about then, but he didn't know why! I told him I needed to get my records taken care of. We chatted for a little bit more and I sat down. I noticed that when other people came in, the guard wasn't quite as helpful. Then I noticed that the other people who came is were all guys.

Then I got it. The guard was just being nice to the lady, that's all. Just about everyone else in the waiting room were male. I was the only female. When I got, it a big smile spread across my face.

There was no innuendo, no sexual overtone, nothing to get worried about, just a nice man being pleasant to the lady. What finer compliment to what I've been trying to achieve is there than that. I'll be the transsexual advocate and feminist some other time. Right then I was all woman, and flattered out of my mind by just a simple exchange of pleasantries.

A little while later I was called to a window and I told the person that I wanted to change my name. I had prepared the form prior to coming to the office. So I handed him the application and my name change order. He typed in the application stats and asked a couple of questions about the application information. Then he looked at me and asked if I wanted to change my gender as well. I said "Sure!". He asked for some documentation. I handed him my physician letter and surgery form. He read the letter very carefully and then glanced at the surgery form. Then made some changes to the form. Presumably changing my gender. My heart was racing! I didn't expect that! I had resigned myself to getting my name changed but still carrying my birth gender id until I completed GRS. Oh wow!

Then, he asked to see my birth certificate.

Oops. All my preparations and I forgot this crucial piece of documentation.

When I told him I didn't have it, he said that they couldn't verify my citizenship without it. He then asked if I could get it and when I could come back.

I told him I would get it and bring it back tomorrow (Friday). He said there was no telling what the next day would be like, and all that needed to be done was to verify the birth information, he wrote a note indicating I should go to his station directly the next day and stamped it with the office stamp.

I just about floated out of the office. I seem to be doing that a lot lately…

That evening I went back to the house and collected my birth records. I had the original and a certified copy from when I was getting a passport.

The next day I went back to the SSA office. I wanted to get there early so I would hopefully beat the line.

Unfortunately that nice guard wasn’t in and the new guard really wasn’t interested with my note to be shown to the head of the line. I had to sign in as I did the previous day. Ah well, no big deal. But I did have to wait about twenty minutes to be seen.

I saw a different person this time and we started the process from the beginning. About midway through the process the person I had seen the previous day wandered by and waved to me. He said to the lady processing my request that he could take over if she wanted. She said no, she had it under control. She processed the name change with no problem, but didn’t offer to change my gender. I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to ask so I did. She looked at me and said yes. And asked for my documentation. I handed over my papers and she looked at them and made some notations on the form.

She then printed out the update and asked me to review it. She had made one error in my address and I pointed it out to her. I also noted that the gender still said male. She made the corrections, printed out a new copy and had me review it. She underlined the changes she made including my new address and gender.

I said that everything looked correct now. And I started to grin and my heart started racing.

She printed out a receipt for me to sign and said my new card would arrive in about two weeks.

I thanked her for her assistance and that she had made me a very happy woman. She smiled back and said thanks and have a nice day. Oh wow, would I!

When I got to the lobby I had to sit down and catch my breath. Just like the court appearance I was light headed from having accomplished this. And Carl wasn’t around to hug me, dammit!

After a few minutes, my breathing returned to normal and I felt like I could get back to the office without passing out.

With my critical records now changed, I have achieved validity. For most of my life I have felt like a ghost, an ethereal being. Because (barry) was documented. Barry had the name and the records. *I* had no validity. I was not known in society. Consequently, I felt everything I did had no meaning. Now (barry) is the ghost, and I am * real *.

-Sandy (not ethereal anymore!)

BTW: The obscure reference to my old name as (barry) comes from a Mel Brooks movie "To Be or Not To Be". Which is, in my opinion, one of his better films. Anyway at the beginning of the movie Brooks’ character is being assailed by his film and real life wife, Anne Bancroft. She is complaining that he is taking too much credit on the theatre posters. His name is three times the size of hers; her name is in all lower case, and in parenthesis! That has stayed with me as a really funny bit. Anyway, now you know.

The Drivers License Bureau

The Drivers License Bureau

After getting my name changed. And I caught my breath. Carl and I headed back to the office. He had to get back to work. I wanted to get to DMV to continue to strike while the iron was hot, so to speak. I wanted my name changed on my drivers license as soon as possible.

So after Carl and I got back to the office, I picked up my things and headed out to a DMV office. I managed to get to the office during a lull and there were only a few in front of me to check in. The guy doing the checking in was in a Friday afternoon kind of mood and was joking with the others people behind the desk and some of the patrons. He joked that he had been at the job so long that he had seen everything by then. Well I certainly hoped that was true, because if not I was going to be one of the "everythings" he would talk about.

Anyway, in order to check in you had to show your current drivers license if you had it and say what you were there for.

Even though it killed me to drag that ugly license out, I drew solace from the knowledge that it would be for the last time, hopefully.

My turn came and I stepped up to the clerk. I handed him my drivers license, looked him straight in the eye, and said that I wanted to change my name, address *and* gender. He looked at me and at the card, didn't even blink, smiled nicely at me, checked me in and gave me a number. Maybe he has seen everything...

In a short time, my number was called and I stepped up to the window.

I handed my old drivers license to the clerk and said I wanted to change my name, address and gender from male to female.

He started from the top and took my certified copy of my court ordered name change. I had to point out where the relevant fields were. And that I was changing it from (barry) to Sandra. Once he saw that information he started making updates to my records. He also didn't seem to care one way or another about this woman turning in a drivers license of a man with a beard. Maybe all of them have seen it all...

The address change was next. I handed him my Julie built renters contract and he looked at the address, and not much else, and made me verify that the address was completely correct. When he entered that, he hit the print button for the form.

I interrupted him and told him that I wanted to change my gender marker as well. He re-opened my records and asked me for documentation.

I handed him my letter from my doctor. He barely glanced at it and then he asked if I had had any surgery. I said yes and handed him the documentation from my surgeon which indicated that my diagnosis was gender dysphoria and that I had an orchiectomy as a result.

He said he would have to make copies of the documents. He took both the letter and the report and went to copy them. I think he may have been checking with his supervisor as well. A few minutes later he came back with the copies, handed me back the originals and changed my marker from "Male" to "Female" and printed the form again. He handed it to me for final verification. With growing happiness and pride I verified the information and the spelling of the word "female" about half a dozen times to make sure he had it right ... I gave him back the form and said that everything looked right.

He gave me a quick eye exam and then, clipped my old drivers license to the form and pointed me to the cashier.

The cashier looked at the form, and said the charge would be ten dollars. Pretty cheap for something that I waited all my life for. I gave her the money and she pointed me to the next station to get my picture taken.

The next station the woman took my form and old license typed in some information and told me to wait to be called for my picture. That was the last time I ever saw my old drivers license. The person taking the pictures waved me to her station, asked my name and told me to have a seat in front of the camera and smile! Then she said to have a seat and she would call me.

A few minutes later that lady looked at me and said "Sandra...". She handed the new license to me and asked me to verify the information. Everything looked I thanked her and went on my way.

Back in my car, I looked at the new license again. Then was about to put it back in my wallet when I realized that my auto insurance information was still under my old name. If I got into an accident I wouldn't have any proof of insurance. It was starting to dawn on my that now with my name change, it would be harder and harder to prove my link back to (barry). I got on the phone and called my agent and asked about my auto insurance and my new name. I talked with one of his staff and this was the same person who called me a couple of weeks ago about my life policies, so I didn't have to go into a lot of detail. They said no problem, come into the office and show the court order and new drivers license and they would take care of everything.

So I went to the office and the staff people there already knew about me and were ready with everything to sign and all. I gave them copies of my court order, physician note and surgery information. They printed off temporary insurance cards for me. They were quite helpful and very friendly. One of the staff was curious about how I felt. And we talked about how I felt now compared to before and how much better I felt. They were happy for me and said I really looked like a happy person. So that really made me feel good.

After that I made my way back home and was exhausted from all the running around I had done.

It had been a very loooong day!

-Sandy(tired but happy!)

My Day In Court...

My Day In Court...

Friday was my court date for my name change. This is a major milestone in my life. Just about everything I've been trying to accomplish culminated on this day. My presentation as a woman in society is very important to me and having proper documentation makes me more "real" and lets me know that I am not "pretending". I've spent most of the time of my life as the background voice to the guy. I felt like an ethereal being. Not being truly alive because I didn't really exist.

This isn't psychosis we're talking here, folks, so don't get alarmed. But there was a persona that acted as a guy and that persona had the body. "I" rarely had the courage to go about in the world without the persona as my mask. Now he sleeps in my heart and I treasure his memory as a mother treasures her son.

So now that I no longer need or want the persona since I am now full time, "I" need to feel real. And that reality, to me, takes the form of documentation. Seeing my name and picture on my employee ID card for example makes me feel real. So having my name legally changed means a great deal to me. I know who I am, I just need to make sure that society knows that too.

I drove into work that day so that I could park at the office, then took a shuttle downtown. Carl, the FTM that came out the same time I did, wanted to go with me to court. He called saying he was running late and said he would meet me at the court. I told him what courtroom to meet me and he said he would be there.

I went to court in my best black business skirt suite. I don't really hold for people who show up to court in jeans. I also wanted to make sure that there was no question about what I wanted to do and why. And that I had respect for the judge and the sanctity of the court. That really makes a difference.

There were three other cases before me. I had no idea how long they would last. I could have taken hours. But in fact each case took less than five minutes. They were all industrial related and had something to do with archaic forms of law. I'm glad it went quickly because I was getting more nervous by the minute! Then the clerk called my case number and my lastname. I approached the bench with as much self assurance as I could muster, but I think my knees were knocking. I don't know why...

I stood before the judge and was sworn in by the clerk.

Then the judge said: "Please state your current name."

"Barry Louis (lastname), your honor."

"Please state the name you wish to be called by."

"Sandra Louise (lastname), your honor."

He looked over his glasses at me and said: "I assume that the purpose of this change is for sexual orientation?"

"Yes, your honor." I wasn't about to lecture a judge on the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. It wasn't relevant anyway.

"Are you changing your name to commit a felony or fraud?"

"No, your honor."

"Are you changing your name to evade creditors?"

"No, your honor."

"Has your name change notice been published?"

"Yes, your honor."

"Very well. I'll put todays date in the publication field here on the form."

"Thank you, your honor."

He filled in the forms and signed them and handed then to the clerk.

The only disappointing thing was that he didn't use a gavel to signal the end of the case. It would have been so symbolic to do that and have the era of (barry) end with that last gavel. Oh well. He signed the papers. More than that I cannot ask.

The clerk handed them to me and told me to go to room 802 for the certified copies.

As she handed them to me. My hands began to shake. The realization was starting to dawn on me. I had really done it! I had really changed my name! Kind of wobble kneed, I went back to Carl and we looked at the forms for a couple of minutes. I then told him I had to leave. I was starting to feel a little light headed and I wanted out of the room.

We left the courtroom and I sat on a bench outside the court. My hands were still shaking and I started to get weepy thinking about what I had done. A happy weepy, but still weepy.

Carl held me while I tried to get a hold of my feelings. He is such a gentleman. He always makes it a point to open doors for me. He makes me feel like a lady. I have to remember to put hankies in my purse! My mascara wasn't waterproof!

I am now and forevermore Sandra Louise (lastname).

I have to put together a list of places to change my name:
Drivers License (done)
Insurance (auto and life, done)
My Company (in process)
SSA (not yet)
My Bank (not yet)
My Credit Cards (not yet)
Various on-line accounts. (that is going to be tedious!)

Hop right in here if you can think of more I may have missed.

-Sandy (Fer REAL!)

The post-name change crash...

The post-name change crash...

I hesitated posting this because sometimes I am embarassed about my moods swings. But this was different. I post it, like all my other posts, so that others may find this information helpful.

Saturday morning I woke up and I was severely depressed. More depressed than I have been since I started HRT. It really scared me.

I tried to hide my darkness from Julie. Yeah, right. I'm sitting there at the counter in the morning and she is cracking wise and I'm trying not to break down in sobs. No good. I break down. It scared me a lot that I was that depressed. It was as dark as any I've had. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to find a nice warm rock to hide under for a couple of years...

I managed to pull myself together enough to carry on a conversation with Julie. We talked about it for quite a while. And that helped a lot.

I think what happened is a combination of things. One of them could have been post operative depression, I've had operations before and I don't remember having been depressed post operatively before, but when you're constantly depressed at some level as I was in guy mode, I'm not sure I could have been able to tell.

Another factor we speculated was that it had been just over a week since my operation and any vestiges of testosterone left in my body was probably gone. I may have been experiencing a hormone crash. Though I'm not quite so convinced on that one. I've been on some heavy doses of spironolactone and so most of the testosterone was blocked anyway. I had been effectively chemically castrated for quite some time.

Another idea we talked about is the let down that can happen when you attain a major life goal. The previous day, I had changed my legal name in court, gone to DMV and changed my name, address AND gender, and had gone to my insurance agent and got my name and gender changed there too. It was quite a lot of running around and very stressful. I was exhausted and once I completed all these things, I crashed.

Well whatever it was, I spent most of the day feeling somewhere between worthless and foolish. It got a bit better as the day went on, but I didn't start to really feel like may old (new) self until almost Sunday evening. Not to mention that on Sunday I blew up Julies computer in an attempt to bring all her new equipment on-line. I really felt like a twit, and not in a funny way. It took hours to recover the machine. Fortunately between her and I and the Internet we did manage to get it back to life. I still felt like a twit, though. Computers have been my lifelong career and I should know by now how easy it is to be humbled by an inanimate piece of refined SAND!

Now Monday morning I am back at work in a nice business suit and feeling like corporate Sandy once more. And every few minutes breaking out in a wide grin about being really and truly and forever Sandy!

-Sandy (it's a long road...)

My orchiectomy

My orchiectomy

I wanted to come up with a title that was a little bit more interesting, but I really couldn't come up with any ideas. Though it does make me think that with a title like that, it ought to be an article in a Readers Digest...

As part of my process of transition I have been contemplating having a bilateral orchiectomy. At my last appointment with my doctor I discussed the advantages of having it done now rather than at the time of SRS.

The physical part of the process will allow me to reduce the amount of spironolactone that I take dramatically. I had originally thought that I could eliminate it all together, but, according to my doctor, I'll need to suppress the testosterone produced by my adrenal glands as well so I'll be taking it for that.

The other part is psychological. It gives me a great deal of psychological comfort not to be burdened with this primary sign of masculinity any longer. I don't despise my genitalia, it has given me much joy over the years, I just view it as raw material to be used to correct this severe birth defect I have been afflicted with. But my testes no longer serve any useful purpose in my life and I feel better off without them. I know that the conventional wisdom has it that you should not have an orchiectomy prior to SRS as there could be so much shrinkage of scrotal tissue as to make it difficult to have enough tissue for the labiaplasty. Though from what I've read and been told, I have had significant shrinkage already from the spironolactone causing my testes to atrophy in the first place. Also if you look at the Trinidad sight there is mention of prior orchiectomies not being a problem and not really reducing the cost of SRS at all. It would be different if I were an early onset transsexual.

My surgery is scheduled for this Thursday. I've been told that I'll be laid up for about a week and be in some post operative discomfort. But it should pass, hopefully soon! There are all the jokes about pets and getting fixed that have gone through my mind. But I am a bit more serious about that right now and I don't feel like being flip. Any surgery should be reviewed with all seriousness so I am not the jovial woman you've come to know. I've started taking some irreversible steps in my life to be a woman in society. But up to now there was always that little voice in the back of my head that said if I really wanted to, I could go back. Though you could probably use a stopwatch to measure how fast I would go into depression. This is my first surgically irreversible step. And just like when I went full time, I'm having just a little bit of C.L.O.D. This is really *really* REALLY irreversible! And the "ARE YOU SURE?" button is solidly lit up in my mind. And yes, I keep pressing the "YES DO IT!" button.

Julie thinks I'm just a little bit 'round the bend. From her practical standpoint, she asks why incur that extra expense and time off when it will be taken care of by SRS?

Her dog Baron keeps looking at me and getting the look on his face like: "Hey they did that to me without my consent. You're going to get yours cut off intensionally? What are you nuts?!?!"

Then he bends down and licks himself and looks at me again with a look that says "Even if you do, you *still* won't be able to do THAT!"

Alright serious time is over jovial woman is back!!!

I'll be making additional entries post operatively.

And please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you.

-Sandy

_____________________________________________

It's 3:00 in the afternoon on Wednesday, tomorrow morning is my operation, and I'm getting nervous as hell!

I just got the phone call from the hospital saying that I must report to the same-day surgery center at 06:00. I have to be NPO after midnight. I had arranged to be driven to the hospital by my daughter, but it is much earlier than we had planned. She has to drive from the south suburbs of Chicago to the west suburbs to get me, then we have to go to the north side of Chi to get to the hospital. Sheesh! I've put a call into her, but haven't gotten a call back as yet.

If worse comes to worse, I guess I could drive myself up there and have my daughter and son-in-law take me back and drive my car back too.

Like I said, I'm getting nervous. I knew I should have saved some of those Valiums for me instead of giving all of them to Julie.

BTW: Julie is a day worker and really can't break away to drop me off, so don't get down on her, OK?

BTW:BTW: For those of you satirically challenged, neither Julie nor myself use recreational drugs. It's a joke! Get it?

Anyway, I figure that from the early arrival time, I may be one of the first to go. Which is good, less time to worry. And I don't even know what to worry about! I want this operation, I'm not afraid of being operated on (I've had operations before), so I don't know what the heck is going on in my head. I'm sure Julie will have a way of settling my butt down. I just want it to be over.

This morning I asked Julie if she wanted to get a call from my daughter when the operation was done. She just replied: "Why? The vet didn't call when Baron was done..." She has such a way to make me smile/laugh/guffaw.

One of the questions the surgeon asked me was whether or not I wanted my scrotum removed as a part of the operation. I replied that I wanted it left in place for subsequent GRS. To remind her, I think I'll write "Do not remove scrotum!" on my abdomen just to make sure she remembers. It may give her a smile when I'm wheeled in and they take the sheet off me.

-Sandy (nervous!)

_________________________________

Everyone! Thanks again for all your kind words and prayers! I'm sure that is why I am feeling so well! I have very little discomfort, and virtually no pain. I feel great!

Now let us return to that fateful morning...

Actually the previous night. I was so nervous! Julie had given me a hug and told me everything would be alright. Then she had to get to bed because of work. I stayed up much later. I knew I should have gone to bed but I really wasn't tired. I checked the alarm clock about a dozen times before I crawled in bed.

I had set the alarm for abort 3:00 am because of the trip we'd have to make. I wanted plenty of time to get ready.

My daughter picked me up about 4:30 and we headed out to the hospital. As you would imagine, traffic at that hour of the morning is extremely light and we made great time.

We got to the hospital about 5:25 and made our way up to the same day surgery center. I checked in with the person at the desk and noticed I was the first to sign in.

Even though my male name was what was used to register me I dressed casually, but feminine and wore makeup and my wig. The wonderful staff never blinked or gave any indication about the discrepancy.

After I got checked in and had my id bracelet put on, I was shown to the dressing room where I was instructed to change into a gown and slippers. I changed into the gown and put all my clothes (and wig) in a storage bag. The staff person showed me a locker to put my things. I was then taken to a waiting area and put on a gurney.

My daughter joined me a few minutes later. We had a chance to talk for about fifteen minutes. In that time I started to get a little bit of cold feet. I wondered if this was really what I wanted. The enormity of this life altering event started to weigh heavily on my mind. I got a little weepy with my daughter and she held my hand and soothed me.

Then it dawned on me. What was bothering me all along was the fact that the staff was required to deal with me and call me by my male name. I hated that. I knew they didn't have any choice but it still grated none the less. Also, then it called forth that slumbering persona that I had never thought I would hear from again. He whispered to me, "What are you doing! Men don't do this!"

Then I realized what was going on. I realized that this was for ME, Sandy! Once I realized that, I became completely calm. My faith and confidence returned. And I became anxious to move on.

Soon I was wheeled to the prep area. Most of that time was spent waiting. I must have waited over an hour. But in that time I was seen by the doctor of anesthesiology and other staff member to take my vitals and prepare me for surgery.

When I originally talked to my surgeon about the operation, she recommended that I go general anesthesia rather than local. She remarked that it can be a little tricky to completely numb the area using a local other than a spinal block. So that's what we agreed to.

Once everything was prepped, I was wheeled to the operation suite waiting area. A little bit after that the doctor came around and checked on me. And wanted to know if I had any questions.

The only question I had was that one of the documents I signed indicated my diagnosis. On there was the diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria. In my original discussions with my doctor and then the surgeon, they said the would use a different diagnosis so that there wouldn't be any problems with the insurance. With the diagnosis of GID on the document I was concerned that my insurance would be denied. She assured me that this would clear and would be the proper way to submit the paperwork to the insurance company. She understood my need for the operation and had consulted with my doctor about my case and they both agreed that this procedure was necessary to my health and well being. I'm somewhat comforted, but I'll feel a lot better when I see the paperwork clear. Also now I have an official medical diagnosis of GID from a second doctor. Not that I need more affirmation about who I am. But I am comforted.

After that the anesthesiologist came and gave me another shot. She said I would be put to sleep so that they could put me on a respirator. I was disappointed that I wouldn't be able to see my doctors face when she saw what I wrote on my abdomen. I was about to say that when...

***LIGHTS OUT***

The next thing I really notice is that a nurse is asking me if I feel nauseous. I'm in the recovery room and I've lost about an hour or so of my life. I didn't even remember getting sleepy! I could feel that I had been operated on and I had some pain. But nothing really major. I was somewhat nauseous though and somewhere in the haze I said that I was and they gave me another shot and I soon felt much better.

My daughter was there with my clothes and asked how I felt. The fog quickly lifted and I also realized I was completely parched. I had been NPO since midnight and I was very thirsty.

The nurse gave me some ginger ale and I think I sucked it down in one gulp. Over the next hour or so I came completely awake and aware. I was asked how I felt several times and had my IV pulled. I also had a sandwich I was hungry! One of my friends also came to see me. She brought me a teddy bear as a gift. She is so sweet. I know she lurks here and reads my blogs so I want to say "Thank you!". The three of us chatted for a time as I became strong enough to put my clothes on. When I did, the medical staff felt I was strong enough to go home. While they talked to my doctor she didn't come to see me, so I won't find out what she thought about my note until I see her again.

I was wheeled out to the car and said goodbye to my friend. My daughter took me back home.

I've been taking it pretty easily since then. Mama Julie makes sure I do. She is such a mother hen. She makes sure I don't lift anything too heavy and asks how I am feeling and makes sure I don't do anything too strenuous. She is such a dear.

I have had virtually no pain since the operation. I have a prescription for vicoden, but only had to use one. I've heard many stories about how others had a lot of discomfort and pain, but I guess those perhaps were the exceptions. Anyway, I feel great.

And I am very happy to have had it done. Having removed one (or two!) of my primary signs of masculinity comforts me greatly.

...and yes, the doctor *did* follow my request...

-Sandy

Sandy and the chauvinist.

Sandy and the chauvinist.

I'm finding that my relationships with other individuals, now that I am out, are starting to re-align themselves along more traditional male-female lines. The novelty of my situation is wearing off, and I am starting to be accepted as a woman and less like the person I used to be.

On the up side I have made some new friends who I've met in the ladies room where we strike up conversations and are now wanting to get together for lunch and things. Before, of course, we would only interact if there were some reason for one or the other of us to talk, usually about something technical. Naturally, I am very pleased at being accepted so readily.

I'm also starting to see a difference in the way I am treated by the more coarse males. These are guys who have enough political correctness not to insult me or say anything unpleasant to my face. But these individuals have a demeanor in meetings to want to dominate the conversation in the first place and are less accepting of ideas from others. Now maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, and I have to admit that I am. But it seems like before I came out, I could at least get a hearing of my ideas in a meeting without too much static. Now, I feel like I am being shouted down before I get a chance to explain my position. I haven't had an opportunity to see if that type of attitude happens to other women. As so far I've been the only female in these meetings. But, I see life a little differently now and would be more sensitive to another woman being treated poorly in a meeting.

Now I've only been in a couple of meetings like that since I came out and maybe I'm being sensitive and they got up on the wrong side of the bed. But if that isn't the case, I'm getting a small taste of what women went through to gain equality. And that gender discrimination still exists and needs to be combated.

I guess I'm turning into a feminist...

I knew I would be an advocate, but this is new.

-Sandy (I'm *not* burning my bra!)

Sandy and the Insurance Agent

Sandy and the Insurance Agent

I was at my desk at work and my cell phone rings...

"Hello" I said. Since I'm full time now I never answer the phone as anything but me and my voice.

"uh Hi! Barry? This is John your insurance agent"

"Oh, Hi, John!" He had done a remarkable job in getting the loan against my life policies taken care of. Those policies paid for my FFS and BA. I was very happy with that.

"Oh I'm sorry, am I talking with *soontobeexwifesname?" Oh well, the cat is out of the bag now. Time to fess up.

"No, John, this is who used to be Barry. My name is Sandy now"

*long pause*

"uh Well! uh Hi uh Sandy!"

"Hello, John. I'm sorry, I should have contacted you sooner. I know this is a surprise. I've been full time for a couple of weeks now and I'm still trying to catch up on things."

"Yeah, well, uh, Sandy. Do you prefer to be called Sandy or Barry now?

"Sandra or Sandy, either one. I'm in the process of having my name legally changed and once that is done I was going to stop by and give you the new paper work."

"Yeah, all we'll need is a valid drivers license so once you get that then we can change your records here from Barry to Sandra. And I'll make a note here on your records that you prefer to be called Sandy."

"Well that would be great, John! Again, I'm sorry to have surprised you like that."

"Well, listen, Sandy, the reason I called was to make sure that everything went well with the changes to your life policies."

"Everything is fine, thank you so much for turning that around for me so quickly. I received the checks just a couple of days after we talked."

"Also I wanted to tell you that your auto insurance rates will be going down."

"That's good to hear, thank you!"

"Well whenever you have your name change papers or drivers license, stop in and we can get all your records changed."

"Thank you John, it'll be a couple more weeks yet, but I'll stop by as soon as I can after that"

"Well, take care, Sandy, and good luck! Your voice sounds so natural. I hope everything is going well for you!"

"Thank you, everything is fine. I'm so much happier with my life now."

"Well, good luck, and we'll be talking to you soon, Sandy, good-bye."

"Good bye, John."

It's getting to the point now where outing myself like that is *almost* becoming mundane. These little vignettes don't happen that often, but now I am no longer afraid of them. I'm proud of who I am and have no problem with these types of situations.

This one did something really great for my self confidence because he read me as female when he thought he was talking to my wife. And then he went on to remark how natural my voice was. That gave me a real boost because I'm still so sensitive about my voice. I worry that it's either the wrong pitch or there's too much resonance in it.

I guess it's coming along.

-Sandy (How do you get to Carnegie Hall?)