The other day I was playing with my granddaughter. She'll turn three while I'm away. She is very smart, even if you accept that I am such a doting grandmother.
Anyway, at one point she looked up at the mantle over the fireplace and pointed to the picture frame I have there. She asked to see the pictures. I brought it down and we looked at them.
The frame was one of those multiple picture type frames and I have it filled with pictures of her when she was smaller.
One of the pictures was taken at the hospital when she was just a few hours old. Her mom and dad were posed together holding the new arrival.
I pointed to each of the people and asked her who they were. She got her mom and dad right, but she didn't recognize herself. I told her that the tiny baby in the blanket was her when she was very small.
She looked at it for a second and said "OK." And that was all, she accepted what I said and went on.
We looked at other pictures that had her and other people in it, like my ex spouse. She picked up on them just as quickly and also knew who she was in the picture.
Then she pointed to another picture and asked "Who's that?"
I took a deep breath and said "That's grandma Sandy when she was a boy and had a beard."
She looked at it for a second and said "OK." And that was all, she accepted what I said and went on.
I know that I'll have to go into more detail someday, but for now, she is tabular rasa and accepting of the world as it is with no preconcieved notions. And if we're lucky she and hopefully others of her generation will learn the same lesson and simply say: "OK." And move on.
-Sandy
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I got my Baby Back!
Last night, the nice people from the body shop dropped off my car and took away the PT Cruiser otherwise known as emphasima with wheels.
I must have used half a bottle of fabreeze in that rental and it still reeked of cigarettes. Yuck!
Anyway that car is gone, and my baby was back in my driveway. Of course the bumper looked brand new, that was probably because it was.
I could hardly wait to drive it this morning. And when I got up I found 3 inches of snow over sleet. So instead of getting to the train station quickly, I took it much slower, and so did most of the other drivers. So much so that I missed my early train. But my car is now sitting in the parking lot with no dings or bruises.
-Sandy
I must have used half a bottle of fabreeze in that rental and it still reeked of cigarettes. Yuck!
Anyway that car is gone, and my baby was back in my driveway. Of course the bumper looked brand new, that was probably because it was.
I could hardly wait to drive it this morning. And when I got up I found 3 inches of snow over sleet. So instead of getting to the train station quickly, I took it much slower, and so did most of the other drivers. So much so that I missed my early train. But my car is now sitting in the parking lot with no dings or bruises.
-Sandy
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Owww! My new baby!!!!
Last week I decided to drive into work. I had a need to go to my clinic after work so I was going to drive in and then head for the clinic after that.
That particular day there had been a warm drizzle followed by a hard freeze.
I hadn't realized this when I headed out. I went to the gas station before I headed to the express way. As I was headed toward the expressway, the car's annunciator panel lit up saying "POSSIBLE ICE" then "LOW TRACTION" then the little icon light for the posi-track came on.
This is not good, I thought. It was much worse than that. It was the blackest of black ice I had ever seen! I came up to a stop light and I started slowing down about two blocks before the light. I was only going about 25-30 mph and I thought I had it all under control. No I didn't.
At about a block from the light, I started to apply the brakes. I felt the ABS kick in pushing back against the pedal. I was in horizontal free-fall! Nothing was slowing me down accept wind resistance and prayer.
There was only one car ahead of me at the light. She was stopped. I was slowing down but not enough. By the time I came up to the light, I had slowed to less than five mph. I tapped her bumper. Well at least THAT stopped me!
I got out of the car to examine the damage. As I did, I almost fell on my butt! It was like a skating rink! I felt that I could have pushed the car sideways if I wanted to! Well at least the car was telling the truth! There was definite ice!
The lady whose car I hit was driving a big SUV and so I didn't even knock the snow off her bumper. She got out and we checked her car and it was fine. She looked at my car and said I had some damage. I turned around and I think I squeaked! There was a HOLE shattered in my babies bumper!!!! I had hit the lady's hitch adapter and it had poked a hole in my baby!
I was a bit surprised by that. After all the impact was less than five mph, the bumper should have absorbed the impact. The only thing I can figure is that the temperature was almost zero and I think the plastic in the bumper got very brittle.
*sigh* *whimper*
I exchanged information with the lady, but she said that there didn't look to be any damage to her car.
I proceeded to get on the expressway intending to still get to work. As I got on the expressway, I saw a jackknifed truck in the opposite lane. I also saw two or three spun out cars on the side of the road. Then the car in front of me spun out. All this in less than a mile of getting on the expressway. I never got above twenty mph! About that time, I decided that it would be a great day to work from home!
I got off the expressway as soon as I could and headed back home.
I called the insurance people and they offered to send out a truck to pick up the car and take it to the body shop. I agreed. They also offered me a rental car while mine was in the shop. I said yes to that as well.
So a couple of hours later, the truck comes to my house with the rental car. He drops off the rental then I pull my car out of the driveway so he can load it up on the truck. My poor baby! It looked so forlorn sitting on the truck waiting to go see the car doctor.
To put the topper on the day as a whole, the rental car they dropped off was a PT Cruiser. The same type of car I had traded in no more than a week before! What makes it worse is that the previous renters of that car smoked in it! It reeks! I nearly gag every time I get into the stupid thing!
I can't wait for my baby to get back to me...
-Sandy
That particular day there had been a warm drizzle followed by a hard freeze.
I hadn't realized this when I headed out. I went to the gas station before I headed to the express way. As I was headed toward the expressway, the car's annunciator panel lit up saying "POSSIBLE ICE" then "LOW TRACTION" then the little icon light for the posi-track came on.
This is not good, I thought. It was much worse than that. It was the blackest of black ice I had ever seen! I came up to a stop light and I started slowing down about two blocks before the light. I was only going about 25-30 mph and I thought I had it all under control. No I didn't.
At about a block from the light, I started to apply the brakes. I felt the ABS kick in pushing back against the pedal. I was in horizontal free-fall! Nothing was slowing me down accept wind resistance and prayer.
There was only one car ahead of me at the light. She was stopped. I was slowing down but not enough. By the time I came up to the light, I had slowed to less than five mph. I tapped her bumper. Well at least THAT stopped me!
I got out of the car to examine the damage. As I did, I almost fell on my butt! It was like a skating rink! I felt that I could have pushed the car sideways if I wanted to! Well at least the car was telling the truth! There was definite ice!
The lady whose car I hit was driving a big SUV and so I didn't even knock the snow off her bumper. She got out and we checked her car and it was fine. She looked at my car and said I had some damage. I turned around and I think I squeaked! There was a HOLE shattered in my babies bumper!!!! I had hit the lady's hitch adapter and it had poked a hole in my baby!
I was a bit surprised by that. After all the impact was less than five mph, the bumper should have absorbed the impact. The only thing I can figure is that the temperature was almost zero and I think the plastic in the bumper got very brittle.
*sigh* *whimper*
I exchanged information with the lady, but she said that there didn't look to be any damage to her car.
I proceeded to get on the expressway intending to still get to work. As I got on the expressway, I saw a jackknifed truck in the opposite lane. I also saw two or three spun out cars on the side of the road. Then the car in front of me spun out. All this in less than a mile of getting on the expressway. I never got above twenty mph! About that time, I decided that it would be a great day to work from home!
I got off the expressway as soon as I could and headed back home.
I called the insurance people and they offered to send out a truck to pick up the car and take it to the body shop. I agreed. They also offered me a rental car while mine was in the shop. I said yes to that as well.
So a couple of hours later, the truck comes to my house with the rental car. He drops off the rental then I pull my car out of the driveway so he can load it up on the truck. My poor baby! It looked so forlorn sitting on the truck waiting to go see the car doctor.
To put the topper on the day as a whole, the rental car they dropped off was a PT Cruiser. The same type of car I had traded in no more than a week before! What makes it worse is that the previous renters of that car smoked in it! It reeks! I nearly gag every time I get into the stupid thing!
I can't wait for my baby to get back to me...
-Sandy
My new baby...
I was visiting piglet a couple of weeks ago in Indy and she now works for a Saturn dealer there.
I hat remarked that I was getting tired of driving the PT Cruiser I had and she suggested I take a look at Saturn's selection.
Well, to make a long story short (I know, I've never really done that, have I?), I drove down in the Cruiser but I drove back in a 2008 Saturn Aura. nice... Very nice!
She is a grayish blue color called ocean mist. I wanted RED but they were out of stock... darn! But ocean mist is a nice color for her...
She is sleek and smooth and ready to rock! She has get up and go and always seems to be "straining at the bit" to kick in the afterburners! A few days after I got her, I passed 100MPH for the first time in many, many years. And she still had plenty of pedal left! OOOooohhhh! Fast women in fast cars!
I don't drive recklessly but having the ability to get up to speed quickly is really sweet!
-Sandy(I'm NOT a lead foot! well...)
I hat remarked that I was getting tired of driving the PT Cruiser I had and she suggested I take a look at Saturn's selection.
Well, to make a long story short (I know, I've never really done that, have I?), I drove down in the Cruiser but I drove back in a 2008 Saturn Aura. nice... Very nice!
She is a grayish blue color called ocean mist. I wanted RED but they were out of stock... darn! But ocean mist is a nice color for her...
She is sleek and smooth and ready to rock! She has get up and go and always seems to be "straining at the bit" to kick in the afterburners! A few days after I got her, I passed 100MPH for the first time in many, many years. And she still had plenty of pedal left! OOOooohhhh! Fast women in fast cars!
I don't drive recklessly but having the ability to get up to speed quickly is really sweet!
-Sandy(I'm NOT a lead foot! well...)
Catching up...
Ok, it's been quite a while since I posted anything, though not because I didn't want to. I've just been very preoccupied.
Coming up in just a couple of weeks is my final operation and I am getting very anxious right about now. Not for any particular reason, just a free floating anxiety. I haven't flown since before 9/11 and I really don't know what to expect. I've heard all sorts of horror stories about being randomly selected for a background check.
I'm not worried about my documentation, about the only piece of documentation that still lists me as male is my birth certificate. My drivers license and my Social Security records all list me as female so I am not particularly worried about that.
Jeez, all this bull and presumption of guilt just to get on a damn plane. I'd rather drive there. Driving there is not the problem. Driving *back* would be incredibly difficult since I'd have to stop three or four times a day to dilate. And I'd be sitting on a donut as well. And be pretty uncomfortable to boot! No, I'll brave the nightmare of preflight security checks and a guaranteed call out by our Patriot Act brown shirts er TSA officers to grope me because I have three pounds of stainless steel in my shoulder. I'm so glad the the government is of the people, by the people, and for the people. It's just that some people are more equal than others...
I'm not worried about the operation. Hell I've spent decades, literally, waiting for this moment. I researched and prepared for years. I've watched so many videos of various doctors performing the gender reassignment surgery that I probably call out which instruments the doctor was using at any particular time. No, once I check into the hospital, I'll probably bliss out until I wake up from the anesthesia.
Anyway, I'm just a little high strung right now. And getting more so as it gets closer to my flight out of here. Also I keep gaining weight when I want to be going in the opposite direction. Stress will either make you gain or lose weight. This time I'm gaining,. If I so much as smell anything sweet, I gain a pound. At least my boobs still stick out farther than my gut. I wish the fat was in my butt though, I'm still kind of flat back there.
A lot of my nervousness also has to do with trying to make sure I've got everything covered before I leave. My travel and lodging arrangements are complete, most of my pre-surgical tests are done and I just have to get my blood work done about March 3rd or so. The Dr. wants the blood work to be no older than two weeks prior to surgery.
Now I have to start thinking of packing. Since I'll be spending a lot of time "exercising", comfort and ease of removal is the fashion tip of the week. So track suits and sweat pants will be my major clothing items. then the standard other things, like shoes, cosmetics and skin care. I'm not sure what sort of consumables I should take, like pads and lube. The doctor said she had some pointers, but I haven't heard back from her yet. Besides, I never start packing until the last minute anyway.
I actually had a point in mind when I started this post and I wandered everywhere accept to the point.
The point was that I haven't posted in a while because I haven't been able to keep a thought in my head long enough to sit down and compose a post!
-Sandy(woman, thy name is DITZ!)
Coming up in just a couple of weeks is my final operation and I am getting very anxious right about now. Not for any particular reason, just a free floating anxiety. I haven't flown since before 9/11 and I really don't know what to expect. I've heard all sorts of horror stories about being randomly selected for a background check.
I'm not worried about my documentation, about the only piece of documentation that still lists me as male is my birth certificate. My drivers license and my Social Security records all list me as female so I am not particularly worried about that.
Jeez, all this bull and presumption of guilt just to get on a damn plane. I'd rather drive there. Driving there is not the problem. Driving *back* would be incredibly difficult since I'd have to stop three or four times a day to dilate. And I'd be sitting on a donut as well. And be pretty uncomfortable to boot! No, I'll brave the nightmare of preflight security checks and a guaranteed call out by our Patriot Act brown shirts er TSA officers to grope me because I have three pounds of stainless steel in my shoulder. I'm so glad the the government is of the people, by the people, and for the people. It's just that some people are more equal than others...
I'm not worried about the operation. Hell I've spent decades, literally, waiting for this moment. I researched and prepared for years. I've watched so many videos of various doctors performing the gender reassignment surgery that I probably call out which instruments the doctor was using at any particular time. No, once I check into the hospital, I'll probably bliss out until I wake up from the anesthesia.
Anyway, I'm just a little high strung right now. And getting more so as it gets closer to my flight out of here. Also I keep gaining weight when I want to be going in the opposite direction. Stress will either make you gain or lose weight. This time I'm gaining,. If I so much as smell anything sweet, I gain a pound. At least my boobs still stick out farther than my gut. I wish the fat was in my butt though, I'm still kind of flat back there.
A lot of my nervousness also has to do with trying to make sure I've got everything covered before I leave. My travel and lodging arrangements are complete, most of my pre-surgical tests are done and I just have to get my blood work done about March 3rd or so. The Dr. wants the blood work to be no older than two weeks prior to surgery.
Now I have to start thinking of packing. Since I'll be spending a lot of time "exercising", comfort and ease of removal is the fashion tip of the week. So track suits and sweat pants will be my major clothing items. then the standard other things, like shoes, cosmetics and skin care. I'm not sure what sort of consumables I should take, like pads and lube. The doctor said she had some pointers, but I haven't heard back from her yet. Besides, I never start packing until the last minute anyway.
I actually had a point in mind when I started this post and I wandered everywhere accept to the point.
The point was that I haven't posted in a while because I haven't been able to keep a thought in my head long enough to sit down and compose a post!
-Sandy(woman, thy name is DITZ!)
Friday, February 15, 2008
I can never pass...
I can never pass...
It struck me the other day that somewhere along the way, I crossed some sort of barrier and I didn't realize it.
I can never pass as a guy again. No matter what I did, I will always look like a girl in guy clothes.
I could bind my chest, but I'd still have roundness under any tight fitting shirt.
I could put on a false mustache or beard but my softend face would still give me away.
My mannerisms have become quite comfortable for me since I came out. That would probably be the hardest thing to change. That's one of the reasons why I was picked on as a child is because of my feminine mannerisms.
My speech patterns have become distinctly feminine and I would have to think about everything I said to make sure it didn't come out too "girly".
Also I am so used to raising the pitch of my voice, and speaking in a more pinched tone that I would be very consious of keeping my voice low and making sure it didn't start to rise.
Then there are the clothes... I literally don't have a thing to wear! REALLY! I gave away all my guy clothes months ago.
About the only thing left that could be used to help me pass as a guy would be my bone structure but even then I see women on the street all the time that are big boned or large stature.
Like I said I could never pass. And why would I ever want to?!
-Sandy
I can never pass as a guy again. No matter what I did, I will always look like a girl in guy clothes.
I could bind my chest, but I'd still have roundness under any tight fitting shirt.
I could put on a false mustache or beard but my softend face would still give me away.
My mannerisms have become quite comfortable for me since I came out. That would probably be the hardest thing to change. That's one of the reasons why I was picked on as a child is because of my feminine mannerisms.
My speech patterns have become distinctly feminine and I would have to think about everything I said to make sure it didn't come out too "girly".
Also I am so used to raising the pitch of my voice, and speaking in a more pinched tone that I would be very consious of keeping my voice low and making sure it didn't start to rise.
Then there are the clothes... I literally don't have a thing to wear! REALLY! I gave away all my guy clothes months ago.
About the only thing left that could be used to help me pass as a guy would be my bone structure but even then I see women on the street all the time that are big boned or large stature.
Like I said I could never pass. And why would I ever want to?!
-Sandy
Monday, February 11, 2008
Time marches on...
Time marches on...
In just over a month, I make my trek to Doylestown for my GRS. All my travel and lodging arrangements have been made, most of my medical tests are done and shipped to Dr. Christine. I'll complete my medical tests early in March since the results have to be no older than two weeks. My genital electrolysis is complete with a touch up scheduled for the end of the month.
It's just a matter of time and watching the clock.
Unlike my FFS/BA which was like an unending wait for "Christmas", this seems much different. If I could put it into some sort of context, I just want it done and behind me. I think women who are pregnant may have the same feeling. Being pregnant can be really tedious and the process of childbirth can be REALLY uncomfortable, but the blessed result is worth all the wait.
I think that's where I'm at right now. I am not so much looking forward to the operation, so much as I am really anxious to have all this behind me. Most of my life has completed it's transition and this is the last piece of the puzzle. I'm not necessarily looking forward to seeing my newly formed genitalia for the first time as I just want it all to be over so I can complete my transition and no longer feel like I am half and half.
I know I'll be taking on a new habit that will be with me for the rest of my life (dilation) and that intercourse will be on a spectrum from numb to mind blowing with a small but measurable chance that I may never have sensation there at all. All of us that walk this path have to realize that. And I think that to most of us, that wasn't the reason we got on this roller coaster. To us, being a woman is so much more, so many things, that simply having a (neo)-vagina doesn't come close to making us feel complete as women, but not having one is like a puzzle with a piece missing (or if you want to be a bit crass a puzzle with a piece that sticks out).
"Like sand through an hourglass, these are the Days of Our Lives." (So-Crates from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure")
-Sandy
It's just a matter of time and watching the clock.
Unlike my FFS/BA which was like an unending wait for "Christmas", this seems much different. If I could put it into some sort of context, I just want it done and behind me. I think women who are pregnant may have the same feeling. Being pregnant can be really tedious and the process of childbirth can be REALLY uncomfortable, but the blessed result is worth all the wait.
I think that's where I'm at right now. I am not so much looking forward to the operation, so much as I am really anxious to have all this behind me. Most of my life has completed it's transition and this is the last piece of the puzzle. I'm not necessarily looking forward to seeing my newly formed genitalia for the first time as I just want it all to be over so I can complete my transition and no longer feel like I am half and half.
I know I'll be taking on a new habit that will be with me for the rest of my life (dilation) and that intercourse will be on a spectrum from numb to mind blowing with a small but measurable chance that I may never have sensation there at all. All of us that walk this path have to realize that. And I think that to most of us, that wasn't the reason we got on this roller coaster. To us, being a woman is so much more, so many things, that simply having a (neo)-vagina doesn't come close to making us feel complete as women, but not having one is like a puzzle with a piece missing (or if you want to be a bit crass a puzzle with a piece that sticks out).
"Like sand through an hourglass, these are the Days of Our Lives." (So-Crates from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure")
-Sandy
They've moved in...
It's been a few weeks and I haven't been posting simply because I've been fighting a rather recalcitrant computer with less that acceptable results. Best two falls out of three... Actually, the computer may win the occasional battle, I *always* win the war!
Anyway, a few weeks ago Jen, Bill and Kara moved in with me. The details are as interesting as they are tedious. I won't go into them simply because some of the details are so fantastic as to defy logic. Most are so tedious as to induce coma. Anyway, they no longer reside in a dank basement and now have more appropriate accommodations here at the transition house.
It just struck me that every human in this place are in some form of transition. I am in transition from male to female, Jen et al, are in transition from a dank basement to eventually having an apartment of their own, and my friend downstairs is in transition to a better life.
How interesting.
-Sandy
Anyway, a few weeks ago Jen, Bill and Kara moved in with me. The details are as interesting as they are tedious. I won't go into them simply because some of the details are so fantastic as to defy logic. Most are so tedious as to induce coma. Anyway, they no longer reside in a dank basement and now have more appropriate accommodations here at the transition house.
It just struck me that every human in this place are in some form of transition. I am in transition from male to female, Jen et al, are in transition from a dank basement to eventually having an apartment of their own, and my friend downstairs is in transition to a better life.
How interesting.
-Sandy
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Reverend Brown
Reverend Brown
Piglet has been in communication with one of our mutual acquaintances who I’ll refer to as Reverend Brown.
In bringing him up to date on why she is in Indianapolis and why we are no longer married, he replied that he was happy that everything seemed to be working out and that he was glad I had found my path. “Though of course, I could never condone it.”
Now I’m not going to get all snarky on Reverend Brown like I did on “Rev” Felps. I have worked with this man on many occasions on stage and I know that he has love in his heart and follows his calling. He is a man of great humility and wonderful humor. Also his family is loving and caring. So I know that he truly is happy for me. So we’ll leave the snarkies out of this.
It did make me wonder though. Where does one draw the line between a valid medical condition and a sinful betrayal of God?
Let’s say diabetes. A condition by the way that Reverend Brown must deal with. Of course no one, except a rabid Christian Scientist, would even think of saying that this isn’t a valid medical condition and must be treated.
Well, how about a broken limb? Actually in many cases if nothing is done the limb will heal on its own. Though of course it may heal a little bent. But again no one would hesitate in recommending that it be treated medically.
Let’s leave the physical and go into mental issues. If a person has clinical depression, again, no one would argue for a minute that the best recourse was to seek medical support. Whether that support was drug related or had some sort of surgical intervention would not be questioned.
So what is the bugaboo about gender?
I have not spoken to Reverend Brown since I came out so I have not been able to question him directly about this.
I can speculate that if you say that “God does not make mistakes”, then dealing with medical issues in a medical way does not question faith but perhaps allows the person to become *more* faithful through the fulfillment of medical intervention by relieving them of the propblem they had.
And that if a person has been given a particular internal burden such as transsexuality, and then if they succumb to the inner drive to become true to themselves then are they giving in to sin since they did not use faith and prayer to put those sinful thoughts out of their mind?
Could it not also be that if “God doesn’t make mistakes” and a person follows their heart and becomes true to themselves, couldn’t they also be following a path of faith?
Only Goddess knows…
If anyone has any opinions about this please let me know, for I am truly curious.
-Sandy
In bringing him up to date on why she is in Indianapolis and why we are no longer married, he replied that he was happy that everything seemed to be working out and that he was glad I had found my path. “Though of course, I could never condone it.”
Now I’m not going to get all snarky on Reverend Brown like I did on “Rev” Felps. I have worked with this man on many occasions on stage and I know that he has love in his heart and follows his calling. He is a man of great humility and wonderful humor. Also his family is loving and caring. So I know that he truly is happy for me. So we’ll leave the snarkies out of this.
It did make me wonder though. Where does one draw the line between a valid medical condition and a sinful betrayal of God?
Let’s say diabetes. A condition by the way that Reverend Brown must deal with. Of course no one, except a rabid Christian Scientist, would even think of saying that this isn’t a valid medical condition and must be treated.
Well, how about a broken limb? Actually in many cases if nothing is done the limb will heal on its own. Though of course it may heal a little bent. But again no one would hesitate in recommending that it be treated medically.
Let’s leave the physical and go into mental issues. If a person has clinical depression, again, no one would argue for a minute that the best recourse was to seek medical support. Whether that support was drug related or had some sort of surgical intervention would not be questioned.
So what is the bugaboo about gender?
I have not spoken to Reverend Brown since I came out so I have not been able to question him directly about this.
I can speculate that if you say that “God does not make mistakes”, then dealing with medical issues in a medical way does not question faith but perhaps allows the person to become *more* faithful through the fulfillment of medical intervention by relieving them of the propblem they had.
And that if a person has been given a particular internal burden such as transsexuality, and then if they succumb to the inner drive to become true to themselves then are they giving in to sin since they did not use faith and prayer to put those sinful thoughts out of their mind?
Could it not also be that if “God doesn’t make mistakes” and a person follows their heart and becomes true to themselves, couldn’t they also be following a path of faith?
Only Goddess knows…
If anyone has any opinions about this please let me know, for I am truly curious.
-Sandy
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