I got ma'amed in drab!!!

I got ma'amed in drab!!!

Yesterday I was on the train home. I usually take the upper deck where there are single seats and I just nap out.

I had gone up there about twenty minutes before the train pulled out and napped seriously out. The train pulled out of the station and about 5 minutes after that, I get rousted out of my slumber by the conductor, a lady, tapping on the railing saying "Ma'am your ticket please! May I see your ticket ma'am?" I dug the ticket out of my brief case and showed it to her and she went about her business.

I had just come from work where I still have 19 days to go before I come out so I'm still in guymode. And the lady read me as female. I didn't nap out for the rest of the trip, I was just grooving on the experience. Though I'm wondering what made her thing I was a woman? Earrings? Long nails? Long hair? Whatever...

-(Choo-Choo)Sandy

I am such a GIRL!

I am such a GIRL!

I probably haven't been on HRT long enough to say that I've lost any real muscle mass, but I have lost some upper body muscle tone.

This was demonstrated very graphically this morning.

Julie has bottled a bottled water dispenser and we both use it a lot. This morning I noticed that the jug was empty so I pulled it off and went into the closet to find a refill. Well, the jug was a bit heavier than I remembered and I ended up sliding it across the floor to the kitchen.

I opened the top and then attempted to lift it up and put it on the dispenser. Well, I got about halfway up and the water was pouring out of the jug and into the dispenser. I couldn't lift it the rest of the way up to tip it into the holder! Very soon the dispenser is full of water and starting to overflow. Water is going everywhere! I set the jug back down, barely keeping it from tumbling out of my hands and making more of a mess!

"Ok," I thought, "You're the one who wanted to be female!"

I take another breath and try again. This time I do manage to get it all the way up and in place on the dispenser. By this time there is a couple of cups of water spilled on the floor and the dispenser. I am feeling like such a klutz as I clean up the mess!

I think I need to go lift some weights.

-Sandy (ONE! *grunt* TWO! *groan*... that's enough!)

Cindy and the cable guy...

Cindy and the cable guy...

I worked from home today because the cable guy was supposed to come over and install the cable box.

I knew he was going to come by and there is no way I'm going to dress any way but as myself so I was a little nervous but determined.

I had just finished my lunch of reheated pizza when I heard a door slam. Damn! I didn't even have time to fix my lipstick!

He knocks at the door and I come downstairs. I take a deep breath and open the door and say "Hello!".

Everything is fine, no double takes, no eye blinks, nothing. No problem. I really have to stop worrying about that. Heck, even if he had clocked me, what's he going to say? I'm the customer! And even if he did, I'd kick him out and scream bloody murder to Comcast.

Anyway, I show him to the living room and Julies *huge* home made entertainment center. She is really good with woodwork.

I watch the guy for a few minutes and start thinking, I really have to get back to work. I was telecommuting to the office and needed to finish some work.

I tell the guy, that I will be upstairs working and if he needs anything just come to the stairs and call for me. "By the way, my name is Sandy."

Well, I'm upstairs working for about 45 minutes and I'm starting to wonder what is going on. I was about to go downstairs for a check when I hear him come to the base of the stairs.

"Cindy, could you please come down?"

Well, close enough, I wasn't going to correct him.

He was having a problem getting all the cables straightened out and there wasn't a proper signal going from the cable box to the TV. And he wanted some information about the setup to try and figure it out.

After a few minutes discussion, he started to try different things. I know it would have taken me about five minutes to hook the thing up, but I just sat on the edge of the couch and watched him work. It was partly me playing Sandy homebody and partly not wanting to do his job for him.

After about another fifteen minutes he finally got it hooked up correctly enough that there was a good signal on the TV and sound coming out of the speakers. After that he had some questions about what else was to be installed. He ended up having to call back to home base to ask some questions. When he got the answer he said, "Let me find out what she wants to do." That finally made me feel completely comfortable.

After that, then he had to hook up the other cable box in Julies office. This one went much faster and he was done about twenty minutes after that.

I signed the receipt and he packed up his gear and headed for the door.

As he left, he said; "Cindy, enjoy the cable and have a nice day!"

I said thank you and walked him out the door.

Well, I guess maybe I should change my name to Cindy after all...

-Cindy (just kidding!)

The notary...

The notary...

This was probably the high point of my day...

I had asked Julie if she would sign my name change form as a witness. She didn't have any problem with that. The only thing was that we had to have it notarized. Which would require Julie to show her picture ID. So she would have to sign in guy mode.

When Julie got home we headed out to the currency exchange, she was still in guy from being at work. When we got there I went up to the window and asked to have a form witnessed and notarized.

I gave her the form and she looked at it and asked who was barry. I said I was. She didn't quite get it and asked to see some ID.

I took out my drivers license and passed it to her.

She said she couldn't notarize the form because I wasn't the person on the drivers license! That was the absolute best response I've had so far! Well there was a little bit of a change from the picture to me so I guess it was an honest mistake.

I switched to boyvoice and said, "Yes ma'am that is me."

She just looked at me then at the picture then back at me...

She blushed and said; "oh... Oh... OOOHHHH!!!"

I was prepared to take my wig off needed. But she finally got it.

The only disappointing thing to the whole affair was that I think that the lady mis-interpreted the form. She ended up saying that Julie didn't have to witness the document, she would since I showed her my ID. She then had me sign the form where I think the witness should have signed. She said that was the way since she was signing on the notary's line.

I don't know, I'll find out when I attempt to file the documents and get my court date. If it's wrong, well I'll just have to get it figured out. But if they accept it cool.

It will take about six weeks for my court date to come up, so I want to move on this pretty quickly. I hope to file the papers sometime this week.

-Sandy (Ok, so I don't have a beard any more!)

We are all daughters of Christine Jorgensen

We are all daughters of Christine Jorgensen

I was just thinking that today.

All of us who are in whatever state of transition, pre/post/non-op, all have a direct connection to her.

Without her groundbreaking appearance and quite notable arrival, I would still be barry. You would still be who you are.

Now Christine was not the absolute first transsexual to transition in modern society. However, she was the first to use HRT.

Also she was the first to be vocal in the describing transsexuality as something that wasn't a perversion and something that needed to be addressed. In other words she blew the door off the closet when she came out!

Because of her, I am becoming who I was always supposed to be. I will start living my life and stop dieing in a lie.

We cannot hope to repay that debt that she and other transsexuals are owed. The only other thing to do then is to pay it forward.

I have been blessed with an almost painless transition at work and in society because of her actions.

I cannot take these blessed gifts and not attempt to pass them on.

I choose to become an advocate much like Christine and others have done. In some way be a roll model for others to show that transitioning *is* a miracle and there is real life after transitioning.

I hope that in some small way, what I do will help someone else.

That is the only way I can help repay that debt.

And in that way earn the right to call myself a daughter.

Of Christine Jorgensen

-Sandy

Sandy's FFS Consultation

Sandy's FFS Consultation

Last Friday, Julie accompanied me to see Dr Zukowski for a free consultation about FFS and Breast Augmentation.

I wasn't particularly nervous going there but I was a bit of a chatterbox going up there. I think Julie may have experienced permanent ear damage because I think I talked it off.

All right I was a little nervous. Maybe. A lot...

We decided to catch lunch on the way up and I couldn't decide on what to eat. We ended up at a pub just a half a block from the clinic.

I ordered way too much food thinking I was famished. And when it came, Julie kicked me under the table, telling me I was choking the sandwich down like a guy! And after a couple of bites I realized my eyes were way bigger than my stomach and had the rest boxed up. I was a wreck.

We got to the clinic and filled out the requisite forms. I handed them back to the receptionist and the doctor called me in almost immediately. The doctor also invited Julie to come in too.

In the office there were two regular office chairs and a large plush leather chair. Both Julie and I expected that the leather chair was for the doctor. When the doctor came in he said that the leather chair was for me. I felt a little like a queen on a throne.

The doctor gave me a visual once over and asked a few questions about where I was in my HRT regimen and what my transition plans were. We chatted a bit about that and my plans to go 24/7 in April and to pursue RLE and SRS.

He complimented me on my poise and the way I carried myself and my makeup. Of course compliments like that can really turn your head.

He then had me look in a mirror and describe the various aspects of my face that I found were too masculine or difficult for me to view as a woman.

I mentioned my facial droop and jawline and a couple of other things. Dr Z. then went on to discuss the various techniques he used to reduce or eliminate the facial male markers. Some having to do with classic plastic surgery such as tucks and lifts others had to do with implants using special surgical plastic and other techniques using liposuctioned fat from my abdomen to augment certain facial features.

He said that based on the way I looked now and what he could do I would have a face that would be "stunning". My heart still skips a beat thinking about that. He also said that the procedures would do two things, feminization and rejuvenation. After I healed I would look years younger. oh wow...

He then showed us pictures of other women (both trans and GG) that he helped. I was deeply impressed with the changes he could perform. In the course of the display, Dr. Z. showed a picture of someone that Julie knew. When Julie said that she knew her, the doctor said that she worked in the office and thought that she was there at that time. So we went to see if she was there. She was and we all chatted for a few moments. The doctor then asked me to return to the office to continue the consultation. Julie stayed behind to chat with her friend.

When we got back to the office the doctor said he wanted to examine me for BA. So he handed me a gown and asked me to disrobe from the waist up and left the room.

This is when I got really nervous. I had never been examined in that way before. And really no one had seen my chest since I began transitioning. I just bit my lip and got changed. After all this was going to be something that would happen for the rest of my life and other women have to deal with the same thing.

The doctor came back in a few minutes later and examined me and we discussed options (silicone vs saline) and implantation techniques and sizes. Dr Z. made some recommendations for cup size that I should be based on my height and weight.

He also added that I didn't have much of an Adam's apple but the trache shave would eliminate it. Also he would trim up the neck to tighten the skin there.

Julie came back in a couple minutes later and asked how it went. I was bouncing off the walls! I was severely starry eye by then. She said her friend could chat with us for a bit so I got dressed and we left the consultation room and went to see Julies friend. Well Julie walked I floated. We chatted for a while then decided to get on the road back home.

The three of us headed to the receptionist and the doctor was just finishing up his notes in my file. By that time the three of us were in giggle mode and just goofing around. On the receptionists desk was a display of sample breast implants. As a joke Julies friend grabbed one and stuffed it in Julies bra. The look on Julies face was precious! She took it out and put it back and her friend did it again. Julies eye got so *big*! She remarked later that a seed had been planted and she was really taken by the view of her with a BA. Julie started to seriously think about FFS.

About that time Dr. Z joked "You girls are having too much fun!". We were. Well we said our good byes and headed home.

The doctor said it will be a few weeks for him to get me a complete official quote because he was very backed up currently. But he would get it out.

I was, and still am to a certain extent, mesmerized by the doctor and the idea that more as a sculptor than than surgeon he could bring the woman that is inside me to the outside.

When the quote comes in it'll probably be serious reality check time. But for now I am still dreaming about all the wonderful things that could be done.

-Sandy (I want to be a "Z" girl!)

One more nail in the guy's coffin

One more nail in the guy's coffin

I was over at the stbewh and dropped off some empty boxes for her to pack. Earlier in the week, she had sent an email asking what I wanted done with the male/unisex clothes I had left behind.

I had told her to toss or give to Goodwill. While I was there on Saturday, I carried several large bags of male clothes to the truck for her to give to Goodwill.

Of course I was doing this as myself. I only Dress Resembling A Boy for work. I felt a very little bit of remorse knowing I was burning another bridge. Another nail in the coffin of barry. The rest of me felt almost nothing except an increasing anticipation and anxiety facing my first day on the job in just under 36 days.

In all though, much of it was just a symbolic gesture. Most of the clothes were ones that I should have thrown out or given away years ago. I took all the clothes I use for work and casual when I left her in the first place. The rest were clothes that were no longer my size (by a lot!).

But it said something, at least to me. I'm not going back. Not in those clothes, not in that life.

And I feel good about that.

-Sandy(36 days and counting)

The Stanton Mess - UPDATED

The Stanton Mess - UPDATED

I was actually starting to believe the press about me. Some people I knew had been calling me brave because of my impending transition at work. For a little bit I thought that maybe I was a little bit brave...

I'm a poser.

I just got done watching all the videos and reading all the stories about his transition. And there he sits taking full force all the fury the trans/homo phobic cretins can throw at him with a look of detached calm.

Then there is that reverend butt-head who without having to read any supporting medical literature is not only convinced that Jesus himself would have lead the charge for Steve's dismissal but is absolutely convinced that he can save him simply by quoting from the bible. His claim to have cured sinning homosexuals implies a track record that he could probably save all those godless Islamics as well. Just think of all the money I'll save not having to go through surgery! All I have to do is read reverend BH's patented, never-fail, cure for homosexuality, transsexuality, and heartburn.

It's times like this I wish being transsexual WAS contagious. I'd be sure to sneeze on this Nimrod every chance I could get.

And there he sat, implacably calm. I'm sure that on the inside and in private he may be seething. But on the outside, a quiet peacefulness that could anesthetize a charging bull.

He is one class act.

And now unemployed. The board voted to fire him.

If there is anyone who embodies all the qualifications of "following his bliss" it must be Steve. I'm sure he'll land on his feet. I can't imagine those "invisible hands" doing anything that wouldn't lead him deeper into his field of bliss.

My list of transsexual roll models just got longer by one. A big one.

Here I was thinking I was brave because everyone at my shop was falling all over themselves to help me transition because on some basic level they fear a lawsuit. Absolutely they do care about me, but they also care about the company.

I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth by any means.

But if I ever start thinking I'm brave again, all I have to do is look at Steve's quiet, peaceful face and there I'll see *real* bravery!

-Sandy

UPDATE

I've read that Mr Stanton chooses use the male pronoun until such time as he makes his official change to female. And other support sites are also referring to him in the male mode. His wishes are that he be referred to in the gender he is presenting.

I can certainly understand and accept his wishes. To that end I've made appropriate changes in this post as well.

But it changes nothing...

He is still a class act.

I am still a poser.

And reverend BH is still...

I got my date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got my date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, then. It's been over 24 hours and Julie has managed to put enough bungee cords on me to keep me from floating off again.

Yesterday morning I was called into the HR managers office. We spent over an hour discussing the stage of my transition, how it would apply to newly revised company policy. Which I and another trans person, a FTM, contributed to.

She said that she would be meeting with my manager, the executive manager of HR and the head legal counsel to discuss transitioning in the workplace in general and myself in specific.

Needless to say, by that time I was just in heaven to hear about that much progress being made in accommodating transitioning in the workplace.

Then near the end, she simply asks, "So, Sandy, when do you want to transition, a couple of weeks or so?"

My heart skipped about eleventeen beats! After a lifetime of agony, here was this decisive, insightful, considerate woman, opening the main door of my life with such simple words.

Somewhere in there, my heart started back up and I started breathing again. I replied that there were some really practical matters to attend to before I could really go full time. The most major of these was the fact I, ahem, simply had nothing to wear! Well, almost nothing. Well certainly not enough. Actually I do need more business clothes. And shoes. I really don't have enough business shoes. MALL CRAWL!!!

So after some discussion April 16, 2007 is my official day of transition. My preferred name will be put into the system, though my legal name must remain until my name change goes through. I'll get new ID cards and new nameplates.

Also the company is making an official statement of the revised policy regarding transgendered in the workplace. Just like Gay, Lesbian, Ethnic, or Disabled, any harassment of me will qualify as a Zero Tolerance offence and will result in immediate termination.

There are so many others who will never transition because of medieval corporate policy. I feel so blessed and a little embarrassed by my good fortune. This is winning the lottery for me. I wish I could share my good fortune with every person who wants to transition.

I still have to remind myself to breathe...

-Sandy (45 days and counting!)