Through this forum and others like it, and IRL, I have had to explain what this whole gender change thing is all about.
I have had to explain the discomfort that turned to anguish I experienced every day. And the prayer that I said every night.
To those I have had to explain this to, partners, therapists, and relations, the most compassionate have said that they can comprehend the pain, but could never understand it. Others, less compassionate and less comprehending, have called me sissy, faggot, queer, and more. All of us have had to endure this treatment.
But just today I sat down and I tried, I REALLY tried to understand what it would be like to not have GID. To actually be born in a body that my brain accepted, male or female, it doesn't matter.
And I came to the realization that *I* couldn't comprehend or understand this alien concept! I am just short of two years post-op and I am greatly contented, trust me! But every time I look in a mirror, go to the 'loo, or take a shower I know that I wasn't born this way.
What would life have been like waking up every morning and NOT having my gender as the first thing I thought about? What kind of different child would I have been? What would have my school experiences been? Would I have been the same wall flower at dances? Would I have taken a more active role in sports? Would I have challenged the alpha male in school? Or had I been born female would I have dated hunky football players? *heart flutter*
We here at Susan's have this massive blessing-within-a-curse in common regardless of our other backgrounds, and we view those without GID as being outside our two-spirit community. And they do the same to us. We are separate. Even our most loving, compassionate partners view us as different. Loved, but different.
This has been a stream of consciousness post, but has anyone else tried this exercise? Have you tried to put yourself in the shoes of the *others*? What does it feel like? I certainly don't know!
(As the fates would have it, my iPod just randomly shuffled into Pinkard & Bowden's "Since My Baby Turned Gay"! I wonder when "Dude Looks Like a Lady" will turn up)
-Sandy
No comments:
Post a Comment