That look.

It's interesting how sometimes life sometimes throws you a curve.

I've been full time for over three years now. My confidence and self esteem are pretty solid. While I may feel completely normal now, and think life is wonderful, I never take my transition for granted. I can feel the chest band of my bra supporting my breasts and no longer fear sitting down and landing on my prolapsed vaginal too hard. This gives me an almost constant reminder of the progress I have made. And it feels completely, wonderfully, normal.

Just this morning I was getting my morning coffee and muffin at the office cafe and approached the cashier. Past the cashier and in the cafe were others from the office. Some I knew, others less so.

There was a table of three guys that I have seen often there, but rarely interacted with. One of them looked up and saw me and gave me “That Look”. You know what I mean. Someone who has read you and is going over you like an x-ray machine. He whispers something to his colleagues and they turn and give me the once over also. They chat amongst themselves and then turn and look me over again. I can't tell if they laughed or not, but I did see one of them smile. Then apparently turn back to their previous conversation. I try not to read too much into other people, but I can imagine what the conversation was like. Perhaps it contained adjectives that others here are all too familiar with.

The first individual continues to glance at me while I am standing in line. I think to myself how far I've come. I had just then been thinking how “old news” I was. How I had almost faded into the general stream of people going about their business. And here I was read again, for what seemed to be the umpteenth time.

I finished paying for my things gathered up my purse and headed for the napkins and condiments. All the time walking with my head held proudly and a slight smile on my lips. I picked up a few napkins then headed out of the cafe, walking past these guys, the heels of my shoes making a comforting clicking sound as I waked.  My now feminized body now has some appreciable curves and my walk gives a distinct sway to my backside.

There was a time that these types of events would shake my confidence and send my down the rabbit hole. But not now. Being and presenting as a woman is only a small part of who I am. I am Sandy first, an individual who is a guru level systems person with decades of experience with computers of all varieties. I am a grandmother of two darling little girls who love me dearly. I am a member of a business resource group that gives advice for marketing and philanthropy to our community. I am friend and adviser to others here and elsewhere who are looking for support along our journey. I have been on a lifelong spiritual quest for enlightenment and insight into the great unknown. I am more at peace now than I have ever been in my life. And, oh yeah, I happen to be female.

I could feel their eyes on me as I walked past.

I hope they enjoyed the show.

-Sandy(I know I did)