***LIGHTS ON***
Well actually this time it was a more gentle awakening than I have had in previous operations.
I became dimly aware of a hissing sound and then realized I had an oxygen tube in my nose. I felt the cool rush of the oxygen start to clear my head.
I heard other people around me and opened my eyes. I felt one of the nurses put something in my hand and say: “This is your morphine button. Use it when you have pain”.
I vaguely nodded.
I became aware of other sensations and sounds. There was a mechanical sound from end of my bed and I became aware of a gentle massage on my legs.
As I looked around I realized I was in a different room and it was near dark. I was lying horizontal and I then I realized it was over!
Actually, the realization was a bit more involved. Because I was not all quite there, I had to work it out.
I figured out that I was in the hospital, then I remembered that I just had a procedure. Since I have had many procedures, my first thought was; "What's next?"
Then I had to remember what procedure I had and that I just had GRS and I realized that there was no *next* operation, I was done!
A feeling of relief and completion came over me. I realized that I had completed my trek, my journey was at an end.
And deep in my brain, I FELT a switch flip from male to female. It was a palpable feeling and I'm surprised that the nurses did not hear it also.
I tried to look down but a sheet was covering me. I could see that I had a catheter and I had an IV in my arm.
I felt that there were ice packs down there and while I felt a bit uncomfortable, I was not in any real pain.
Much like when I had my orchiectomy there really wasn’t that much pain at all.
There were actually two nurses in my room fussing over me and checking that everything was proper.
They were in good spirits and joked good naturedly with me.
I wasn’t completely booted back up but no where near the lobotomized stat that I was in when I came out of my FFS surgery.
They were done soon and asked me if I wanted any ice chips. I was parched and said yes.
The nurse came and spoon fed me some and that quenched me for a bit.
She asked if there was anything else she could do and I said no. So she showed me where the call button was and said if I needed anything just buzz.
I was exhausted but not really tired. So I pressed the morphine button about five or six times…
Very soon I was asleep again. But before I dropped off I just kept turning over in my mind; “It’s OVER! I’ve done it! I’m not half and half!”
I think I had the smile on my face the whole time I was asleep.
I woke up a couple hours later and it was still dark and just pushed the morphine button again.
I did that a couple of times. One time I awoke because the nurse came in and asked if I wanted some water. I said yes and she brought me some water.
I sipped it pretty quickly and she brought me another one. She told me to keep myself hydrated as much as possible. It would help clear the effects of the anesthesia and get my body started.
She reminded me that I had a catheter and not to worry about going to the bathroom. She then told me that the massager on my legs were to keep my legs from forming any blood clots and that I would have it on for a few days.
This also meant that I wouldn’t be able to turn over. I was starting to feel some low back pain from being horizontal. I knew that it would be difficult to keep from having a lot of pain from my back because of it. I would just have to endure it.
Some hours and much water and juice later, the doctor looked in on me.
She asked how I was feeling and wanted to examine me. I told her I was feeling fine. I was a bit uncomfortable but no real pain.
She pulled the sheet down and lifted up my gown. I couldn’t really see anything from where I was at, since I was still lying flat. But you can expect I was extremely curious!
The doctor asked me if I remember what happened in recovery.
I looked at her blankly and asked what happened.
“Well, as you were coming out of the anesthesia you had a panic attack and started kicking. I had to throw myself over your legs to keep you from hurting yourself. That’s why your legs are lashed to the bed!”
I lifted up a little bit and could see that they had tied my legs down to the bed with a sheet. I was very surprised.
The doctor continued to examine me and said that it looked like I had started bleeding as a result of my kicking. It looked like it would be ok, but she wanted me completely horizontal for another twenty four hours to make sure that no blood would pool in the middle of my body or groin area.
She asked if I felt all right and that if I wouldn’t start kicking again, she would take the lashing off.
I promised to be good and the doctor and the nurse pulled off the sheet lashing me to the bed.
I’ve had bad experiences before coming out of anesthesia but this one seemed the most extreme. Also the fact that I didn’t remember any of it surprised me. Usually I remember just about everything once I am conscious. The memory may be a bit blurry, but usually I remember something. This time, zilch!
Over the next couple of days all I did was lie in bed. All I did was listen to the leg massager or watch TV.
I had some visitors. Kate and her wife came by to visit. We had a great time chatting. Also Teresa who was Dr. Christine’s first patient (otherwise known as “The First Lady of Doylestown) came by to visit. And the good doctor’s third patient, Dani visited as well. As it turned out I was the fifth patient of Dr. McGinn.
The greatest surprise though was on the second day.
I was on the phone when the nurse comes in and says that I have a couple of visitors.
I turn and look and in walk the two Julies! Arm in arm and doing a “TA-DA!!!” pose!
They had driven from Chicago to Philadelphia to see me. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!
I was talking to Kate on the phone and the nurse came in and started snapping pictures. I am agape in the photos.
I started crying such happy tears. Being alone in a strange place and doing something that can be so scary is very stressful. Naturally I had tried to put on a brave face, but when my two friends showed up, so much of my stress just melted away.
I can just hear the exchange between those two when they came up with the idea:
“So what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
“I dunno, you want to go visit Sandy?”
“Sure!”
Both say together:
“ROAD TRIP!!!”
Apparently they came up with the idea about the time of my going away party. Their escapades driving out to see me was so funny!
I was so touched by their visit. I could not have been more surprised!
We chatted for about an hour and then they headed out to find a place to stay. They intended to visit Philadelphia the next day then they were going to visit and head back.
I’ll post some pictures soon.
What a couple of neat gals!
Over the next couple of days, the time moved slowly. The ache in my back from having to lay horizontal was so great that I asked for morphine to help me sleep.
Each day the doctor would visit and check to see how I was doing. Each day brought me a little closer to freedom.
I wrote the following in my journal while I was flat on my back:
Kate and her wife gave me this journal as a present and I really appreciate it. I won’t be able to blog until I get to the hotel and get my laptop setup. This is my fourth day in the hospital and for four days I have been bed ridden. To say this has been tedious is an understatement. But:
I’M DONE!!!! XXXXX
The last vestige of my masculinity, my birth defect, has finally been corrected. I’m no longer half-n-half, no longer girl on top and boy on bottom. The feeling of relief is grand.
But it is entirely an internal feeling. The world has seen me as Sandy for almost a year now ( I went full time on April 16th of last year), my car and house and mortgage are all in my name. All in my gender, as is my drivers license and SSN. I am an empowered woman!
March 18th 2008 8:30 AM EST Fifth day post operative.
Just got done running the Boston Marathon!
The first five miles where the worst but after that it was all downhill.
My day started nice and early. About six o’clock, a couple of nurses came in and said that they were going to take out my foley! I was overjoyed, but I knew what was coming.
They fussed with the plumbing and prepared for the, removal. One nurse told me to hold her hand while the other pulled the pipe. It was quite a shock. But, having had a foley as both a guy and now as a girl, having it pulled was much easier as a girl!
Then they removed the pressure leggings from my legs. (Free at last!)
They said that they would be back after breakfast and help me to get up and go to the bathroom.
Breakfast came about an hour later and I really enjoyed eating without having to stay horizontal.
The marathon part was getting out of bed and walking the ten feet or so to the bathroom. My nurse, Terri helped me get to a sitting position. I sat there for a few minutes and tried to keep the room from spinning too much. She then helped me to stand and that actually felt good. Though my left ankle had pretty much given out while I was lying in bed and it was still sore. I think what happened was that while I was kicking as I came out of anesthesia, I must have hit my foot or ankle. Also since I’d been horizontal for so long I could only stand for a few moments before I started to get dizzy.
Terri helped me walk to the door of the bathroom and then things started getting woozy. She called for another nurse and they got a chair under me. I managed to get my butt in the chair before the lights went out. After a few minutes things cleared up. And I was able to make it the rest of the way into the bathroom and on the throne.
I had my first urination with the new plumbing! It was “odd”. I was very swollen and sore from the operation and the foley. I sprayed everywhere.
After that they gave me a shower and I felt wonderful!
Later in the day, Dr. McGinn came to visit me again and prepare me for discharge.
This consisted of pulling my vaginal stent packing. And then she demonstrated to me how to use my new friends, my dilators, Homer and Jethro. If you don’t get the reference, do a Google search. I named them that simply because that was the first name to pop into my head. Homer is the smaller Jethro is bigger. Though seeing them for the first time did scare me a bit: “That is going to go into me?!” The doctor just smiled and nodded and proceeded to show me the proper way to dilate. We just used Homer that time and Dr. Christine said that as I got more comfortable I could switch to the larger one, but I should wait a couple of weeks or so before doing that. I watched in a hand mirror as the doctor performed my first dilation.
After that she handed me the dilator and told me to do it. It’s a simple enough process and if you are really curious, I’m sure you can find examples. It’s quite similar to the organic dilating that has been going on for thousands and thousands of years. Though for me I received no sexual sensation from it. I did feel where my prostate was and the doctor said that would be my “G” spot.
After that the doctor said she would discharge me. Initially I thought that when I was discharged from the hospital, I would be able to drive. The doctor quite emphatically said no when I went in for my pre-surgical check up! So we made arrangements for me to get a ride from the doctor to my recovery motel. The motel was just about a half a mile from her office. Which was one of the reasons I chose that motel in the first place.
She helped me get my luggage into the room and settled in for the night. She gave me her pager number and said she lived just a little bit from there and could return at any time if there was any problem.
She wanted to see me the next day for a follow up examination in her office.
Over the next several days I would see the doctor every other day. During those examinations, the doctor removed the necrotic tissue from my skin graft. It is normal that some tissue in a skin graft will not take and will slough off on its own. This tissue is dead and has no active nerves so the process is painless. The doctor would remove some of this tissue to speed up the process. She also painted some of the area with silver nitrate. This is a caustic chemical, which helps to reduce granulated tissue.
Also during this time I had my first examination with a speculum. I was a little apprehensive at first, but the doctor said that she wouldn’t be looking too deep and she was using the smallest speculum, which was smaller than my dilator. My nervousness subsided and as promised there was no problem or pain.
Also during this period I was visited and ministered by some very close friends.
Teresa, the doctors’ first patient came by and stayed with me and showed me the sights as I was able to. My stamina was non-existent so I really couldn’t do too much and I had to dilate six times a day so at most I could do a couple of short outings a day.
My friend Kate and her wife were my angels. Kate and her wife drove the thirty or so miles from their house to DSI to shuttle my car from the hospital to my motel. I really appreciated that.
Kate’s wife drove me everywhere I needed to go to get supplies like pads and hand sanitizer and mineral oil. She also was a great companion. She let me babble on about my post-surgical condition and was most accommodating of my delicate state. She is a kind and wonderful lady. Kate is very lucky.
Soon my time in Doylestown came to an end. And with a certain sadness I said good-bye to my friends. This trip wasn’t supposed to be a vacation, but I really did enjoy myself.
My procedure was a success I had a wonderful time with some wonderful newfound friends. I’m still debating on whether or not to return, probably in the later part of the year, for a labiaplasty. But if I do, part of the reason will be to see my friends again!
The trip home was uneventful but tedious, and a bit uncomfortable. On the actual flight, I was seated in the window seat. Then there were two people seated next to me who could not get out of their seat without assistance. There was no way I was able to go to the bathroom for the entire flight. I’m glad that it wasn’t a flight from Thailand!
When I got home, I had a terrible headache and was exhausted beyond words. I just dragged my luggage into my bedroom, took a shower and fell into bed. I slept for eighteen hours.
Since then I’ve been making a good recovery both in physical well being and my surgical sight. My depth is all I wanted it to be and sensation is returning. Though it will probably take a couple of months or more to get full sensation back. I have been experiencing some interesting sexual sensations during my dilation as I heal. I will probably be fully “functional” in time. Of course that is important to me, but not why I started down this path.
I’m sorry that this post took so long to write. Between my natural procrastination, my lack of stamina getting back into the swing of things at work, I had little time to get this written down.
I tried not to be too graphic in my description of the procedure or my post-surgical “exercises”. But if anyone wants a more detailed description of what happed or has any question, feel free to drop my a line.
-Sandy (proud girl number 5!)
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