You are NOT prepared!

You are NOT prepared!

My dear friends, first let me tell you that I am doing fine and I will be posting pictures soon.

But I wanted to start a thread as part of my transsexual advocacy that is not all giggles and fun.

First remember that I am a transsexual and I have always been a transsexual and I will always be a transsexual. In no way am I questioning my decision to go forward with this nor do I have any doubts that this was the absolute right thing to do. So let's get that straight ok, people?

Given the choice I would do this again without any hesitation. My need to become the woman I know I am is the one thing that has made me sane for perhaps the first time in my life.

What no post-op of any type has mentioned was the shock it was to wake up after surgery. There are many FFS and SRS women on this list and all of them talk about what a thrill it was to finally be who there were meant to be.

Over my next several posts in this thread, I will tell you, while it is still fresh in my head, the way I was unprepared for the pain that would overtake me once consciousness returned and the ongoing pain that I have as I go through the healing process.

Ladies, I have been through some major surgeries in my life. I have experienced some very severe pain in my time. And without going into too much detail, I have a certain level of constant pain for that has been with me for over 25 years. So I thought I was prepared for what would await me when I woke up after surgery.

Not even close.

I'll have posts of what all the fun things that happened in the clinic and the truly extraordinary staff that Dr Zukowski has from the receptionist all the way through to the Doctor himself. He accepts nothing but the absolute best from his staff at all times. The proof in that pudding are his other "Z" girls, and soon myself. I will be a beautiful Z girl and proud of it!. And you don't get that by being mediocre.

No the problem here was absolutely and completely ME. When anesthesia kicks in, it is ***LIGHTS OUT***. There is no drifting off to sleep, no counting backward from 100, nothing. Just the anesthesiologist saying that their about to put you out so they can intubate you.

(By the way, I will be discussing things in blatant medical terms. If you are squeamish about that, move along to one of my happy posts.)

The next thing that occurs is that you really have no knowledge of the passage of time. It is like a light switch. One moment you are off, the next moment you are on. There is no gentle return to consciousness, just like there was no real drifting off to sleep.

You may have your eyes closed or you may not understand what is being said around you. But one thing will be absolutely clear.

YOU WILL BE IN PAIN! Not a little "Oh I've just had an orchiectomy" pain, or "What was the number of the truck that hit me" pain. To my mind there is no description for the level of pain you will feel.

And that will be your closest companion for at least the next twenty four hours. Even with the industrial strength pain relievers they will give you.

There are more nerve endings in the face than there are just about anywhere else in the body. So to my feelings right now even SRS may be less uncomfortable than FFS.

Now you other ladies who've been through both, let me know. Which one caused more discomfort?

I'm going to go with SRS regardless so I guess I'll find out myself soon enough. As I said before nothing is going to stop me.

To you caregivers who will be with your SO's as they go through this. YOU ARE NOT PREPARED either unless you have a nursing or medical background. The amount of support your spouse, friend, acquaintance needs is more than just about anything else you may have had to do for another human being.

Now before you ladies start either running for the exit or get a posse together for a necktie party in my honor, let me again say, I am happier now, though very tender, than I have been in my life.

If I could trade places with reverend butt-head who thinks that this is a sexual turn on or some sort of perversion and that simply reading from scripture will cure me, I would trade with him in a minute and he may not be transsexual but he would come away with a much clearer idea of what we people of two spirits endure just to live.

I didn't want to bring everyones day down, but I am just now able to stay awake long enough to put a sentence together that doesn't sound like I'm a girl from the sixties (which I am by the way).

I just wanted to warn all of you who are contemplating this extreme measure that you will have a very, very rude awakening on that Christmas morning.

-Sandy (much humbled)

Re: It's nearly Christmas...

Re: It's nearly Christmas...

Tomorrow is the big day for me. At least so far...

As I was getting dressed for work today it occurred to me that it was the last time I would be putting breast forms into my bra. I may need to get all new bras. At least some new ones. I will be bigger tomorrow...

It also occurred to me as I was putting my makeup on that tomorrow when I look in the mirror in the morning, it would be the last time I would see that face that had been staring back at me for 55 years. My new face will be much less masculine. It will be softer, more feminine. Not right away, of course. The first time I look at my face after I get back to my room I'll probably be horrified. No, scratch that... I WILL be horrified! I've seen pictures of other girls who have gone through this. I will look like I've been hit by a truck. And no makeup for at least two weeks. Otherwise there is a significant chance of infection. I don't want to endanger the doctor's good work by introducing some microbes that shouldn't be there...

If you girls have the stomach for it, I'll post pictures of the after effects.

But later, and not all that long after, I'll start to heal and the swelling will reduce, the incisions will heal, and the soft tissues will reform around my face.

Swan from duck, butterfly from caterpillar, dragonfly from nymph. I will emerge. The true me will be revealed.

I've been looking forward to this for months. Actually my whole life. It's one thing to dress and act as who I am. It will be a much appreciated boost to my self esteem to actually *look* like who I was always supposed to be, before all those nasty "y" chromosomes messed things up. At least mostly.

I brought my laptop along so hopefully I'll be able to post from the hotel where I will be recovering. If not I post when I get back. But it'll be a few days, regardless. I won't really feel like doing much more than sleeping for the first day or so.

-Sandy

P.S.

I just got a call from Dr Z telling me he would pick me up from my hotel at about 6:15 am tomorrow. He went over the instructions one final time. No food or drink after midnight. Wear something comfortable and loose. No makeup, no jewelry.

After all the preparations, this is now moving on its own. I can relax and flow with the tide of change that I have started.

I am at peace.

It's nearly Christmas...

It's nearly Christmas...

At least that is the way I'm feeling right now.

In just about ten days, I check into Dr Zukowski's clinic. And about eight hours after that I will be *different*.

I don't want to say a new woman, because I'm already a new woman. But when I look in the mirror (after I heal) I'll see much less of the male markers left over from my battle with testosterone. And more of the softer more feminine face that has been trying to come out for so long. I won't have to wear makeup to de-emphasize my masculine traits like my Neanderthal brow bone, or squarish jaw.

I'll be able to wear makeup to better accentuate my feminine features. More to the point, I won't HAVE to wear makeup if I don't want to! Right now I don't dare go out in public with out makeup. I feel I am asking to get read if I do.

I'll probably have to learn different makeup techniques for my new face. I'm kind of looking forward to that.

The Christmas part is that while I know exactly what the good doctor has in store for me, I have no idea how I'm going to look.

For example, he said that part of the rhinoplasty/septiplasty will be to reduce the bony ridge of my nose and to shorten the end of the base and thin the width of the the of the nose. Making it more feminine looking. But I don't know how that will look on me. Or really what it will really look like. I've seen before and after pictures from the Dr. Z's book so I have an idea, but it isn't like you can go to the nose store and try on a bunch of different styles and have the one you like.

The same goes with the rest of the facial procedures. Also how will all of these changes REALLY make me look?

I trust the doctor and I am confident that he will do his best for me. As he said he doesn't try to fit his patients into a mold but rather work with them to give them the best possible results.

So on that "Christmas" morning in July I'll be anxious to see what I look like. Actually those first few days after surgery I'll probably look like the creature from the Black Lagoon. Maybe I should make that my new avatar! But still by then, I should get an inkling of what the final product will look like. Though for the first day or so, my eyes will be swelled shut so I won't see much.

The other procedure is tracheal shave. That will be a welcome change. I won't have to worry about that thing bobbing up and down when I talk.

And of course the breast augmentation. Or as Tink has so eloquently put it, being visited by the breast fairy. One of the things the doctor stressed was, buyers remorse. When he told me what size of implant he thought would look good with my frame, I was astounded. It seems like a huge amount. Like my breasts will end up in a different zip code than I am. The doctor stressed that virtually all of his patience who have opted for smaller size implants were eventually disappointed. The "buyers remorse" was that they wish they had gone with the recommendation. He explained that given my build and weight the size he recommended would look fine. Also when the implants are placed under the muscle, there is less protrusion so they will be a bit softer. So I'll be going with his recommendation.

You may have noticed I haven't mentioned the size of the implants. I did this on purpose. I really don't want this thread turn into a breast size debate. Once the procedure is complete and the swelling has gone down some, I'll post something about how my "girls" are developing and how I feel about them.

What I am looking forward to is not having to put breast forms on again. The one things that really gives my self esteem a hit are my small breasts. I feel like I'm being false having to put my forms on in the morning. Well soon that will be a thing of the past. And I look forward to it. (I'm hearing the Bob Hope theme song in the background...)

All told I should be out for about three weeks. By time I return to work, I won't be completely healed but enough of the swelling should have gone down so that I won't scare little children as I walk down the street.

Posted on: July 12, 2007, 12:13:40 AM

---

The clock is ticking down.

Actually the clock seems to have stopped! Just like a kid before Christmas...

An interesting feeling this time. Several weeks ago when I had my orchiectomy, prior to the operation I had more than a few thoughts questioning my motives and whether or not this was right for me.

This time there is no question, no hesitation. No C.L.O.D. fears. Just wishing Saturday would get here!

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go through the procedure. Thank you all!

-Sandy

The Quilt

The Quilt

This past week, I had an opportunity to volunteer at our company's display of sections from the Names Project AIDS Quilt It was part of our LGBT Pride month celebration. The Quilt project was originally started in 1987 as a protest against the way in which people with AIDS were treated and many left to die without support by the healthcare industry.

A quilt panel is 3 feet by 6 feet and represents the size of a human grave. To date there are over fifty thousand quilt panels. It is so large that it can no longer be displayed in its entirety. Each one representing at least one human being. Think about that. The quilt only represents only about 17 percent of all the people just in the US of all the people who have died as a result of AIDS. Worldwide, these numbers are in the *millions*.

I am one that cannot comprehend the magnitude of such terrible numbers. But staring at a single quilt panel constructed to be the same size and shape as a human grave and then imagining a person lying on that spot. Then realizing that in some cases this panel is all that is left to remember the passing of that person...

A panel can be made up of any fabric, though they recommend long wearing cotton. They are decorated with pictures, buttons, or paraphernalia from the life of the person.

While I have lost a friend to AIDS, I contemplated making a panel for him, but I never did. Regardless, when I saw all those panels, and we only had a few hundred, I was moved to tears. The room took on the feeling of a wake. A somber place where lost friends can be remembered.

What devastated me were the panels for infants and children. Some less than a year old. I could not look at those panels without weeping.

To date there is no cure or vaccine for AIDS. All that is available is suppression therapy which involves a complicated regimented cocktail of expensive medications which can reduce the presence of the AIDS virus to virtual indictability. This adds years to the lives of those infected. But just because it is undetectable, it is still present and continues to wear away the immunity defenses of the human body.

An amazing coincidence occurred as well. One of our co-workers came to view the panel. He had lost two partners to the ravages of AIDS. He had made panels for each of them. And amazingly BOTH panels were on display. What made it even more miraculous was the each of the panels were part of different panel blocks (six panels to a block) so the chances of those two blocks being given to us to display is truly miraculous.

Please pray to all that is holy that the scourge of this disease is controlled soon. We have lost too, too many.

-Sandy

All in a day's work...

All in a day's work...

The other day I was going into my office building and my mind was elsewhere. We're supposed to press our id badges against the reader to unlock the turnstile. I completely ditzed out and just barreled right into it. I hit the bar of the turnstile right at my hips and I was bent over double by the impact. Feeling *very* foolish I fished in my purse for my badge. The guard sitting behind his desk asked if I was alright.

I said; "Yes, I'm just a little ditzy today, that's all."
He said; "Well, just be glad you're not a man!"

I smiled sweetly at him and giggled.

He doesn't know *how* glad I'm not a man!

-Sandy

Before and After

Before and After

Julie and I were chatting the other night and we ended up talking about where we started from.

She mentioned the frightened woman who practically put her in a death grip the first time we went to dinner. I remember those days with amusement and chagrin.

But I also remember the person before that. The one who slumbers now.

I went back in my archives and did a little cut-n-paste and here are the results.

About the only thing in common between those two people is that they're both wearing necklaces.

The beard picture is from May of 2003, just before the inner turmoil in me started into its terminal phase.

The blond picture is from this past Be-All where I have been full time for about six weeks and happier than I have been in my life.

Now if I could have transplanted that beard hair to my head...

What do you think? Is there really that much difference between the two of us? I really can't say, I've been looking at that face for the last fifty five years so I'm too close.

I know many transsexuals would never want to see their old pictures again, let alone post them for public viewing, but I don't feel that way. My past is part of me and I can examine it without reliving it. That is a recent development though.

Enjoy, if nothing else for the giggle factor!

-Sandy

Sandra Goes to Be-All

Sandra Goes to Be-All

Dr Zukowski graciously offered me two days at Be-All as a thank you for signing up for my FFS/BA, which is 47 days from now.

For those who are unfamiliar, Be-All is the largest CD/TV/TS convention in Chicago. People come from all over to attend. It was my first convention of this type that I ever attended.

I have to admit that it was an eye opening experience. I've been to other meetings but this was much larger.

I attended several seminars. Mostly dealing with cosmetics, skin care, and transsexual issues.

I attended Dr. Zukowski's session where he spoke about his skills and services in the area of facial feminization and breast augmentation. He had a very good presentation with many pictures. Also in attendance were many "Z" girl alumni. Being able to speak with women who have already undergone various facial feminization surgeries and in a wide range of post-op was very informative and comforting.

For example, there was one lady who had her surgery in late March of this year. Her skin was still showing a few dark remnants of bruising but all of the surgical scars were well healed. And there were others who were a year or more post operative. Their skin was not only clear of all noticeable surgeries, their faces had firmed up over the implants and bone shaping that was done and all soft tissue had settled back into place. What was quite apparent is that it takes a long time to completely recover from such traumatic procedures. But in the end the results are well worth the effort and in many cases these women are strikingly beautiful. While I would love to be as beautiful as some of these ladies, there is only so much that can be done. Not only are these women good looking now, they also have very petite frames so that their now, very, feminine faces accentuate their body. I have used many adjectives to describe myself, but petite is not one of them (I sometimes feel Sasquatch is a more appropriate term). I will be more than happy to end up with a face and body that combined makes an attractive package. The good doctor has assured me that he could easily accomplish that.

More to the point, what I am hoping for is that Dr Zukowski will be not only my surgeon, but my sculptor as well. A sculptor who will chip away at the shell of me and reveal the woman that has lived within for such a long time.

Also seeing all these beautiful women has made me very anxious for my surgery. I'll be posting more about that as my time grows nearer.

Another seminar that I attended was Dr. Marci Bowers from Trinidad, Colorado. Dr Bowers is one of the preeminate surgeons today in the field of GRS. She has performed over 450 GRS surgeries so far. She was a skilled surgeon well before coming to Trinidad and has been personally instructed by Dr Biber, a pioneer in the field of GRS. Dr Biber passed away in January of last year and Dr Bowers has taken up from Dr Biber. While Dr Bowers specializes in GRS, she also performs breast augmentations, and tracheal shaves.

Dr Bowers also had an impressive presentation. Not only did she show the results of her work, she also showed the repair work she performed on women who had GRS from other surgeons.

I will have GRS, but for now it is still in the future for me. But being able to talk with the doctor and one or two of her patients did give me more information to mull over. I will either go to Dr Bowers or Dr Broussard in Toronto. I will not go overseas or out of country like Mexico or Thailand. In the state of Illinois, where I live, in order to get your birth records properly amended to reflect your true gender, the doctor who performed the surgery must submit a notarized form describing the surgery performed and this doctor must be certified to operate in the United States. Both Dr. Bowers and Dr Broussard have these credentials.

Dr Bowers, in her presentation, described GRS as Genital Reassignment Surgery instead of Gender Reassignment Surgery or Sex Reassignment Surgery. Her intention is to reduce the emphasis about sex these labels have. She feels that this is not about sex or gender but a matter of identity. I can certainly agree with that! As most other people who are post-op, the primary reason for going through this whole process and spending these incredible sums was to bring out who we are. This isn't about what we do, it is about who we ARE! And that is primarily why I want to do this. To finally become who I am.

I found to Dr Bowers, who is herself a post op trans woman, to be sensitive, witty and very compassionate. Also Trinidad, Colorado is a very beautiful area. A wonderful setting to start recovery.

Susan Stanton was a keynote speaker at the gathering but I was unable to make her presentation. I am a little disappointed in that. CNN was at the convention also centering in on her specifically.

Saturday night was the gala ball. It was an opportunity for all the ladies to show off their finest clothes. I had a cream chiffon gown for just the occasion. Julie was my fashion consultant in picking out my outfit and I felt truly beautiful in it. Thanks again, Julie! It was held off site and we had limos to transport us to the event. As we stepped out of the limo, we walked up a red carpet and had video and photos taken of us. It was a movie star moment for me. Later we all climbed on risers for a group photo.

The evening had a wonderful dinner and dancing afterward. It was a wonderful time.

After the event, Dr Z. hosted a hospitality suite back at the hotel. The "Z" girls and everyone else was invited. Now I haven't touched alcohol in more than a decade, but I still was persuaded to sing bad karaoke to old '80s songs, in my gown no less! I must have been a site! But the fun was infectious.

During the course of the time I was there I saw many friends, and made many new ones. I really hadn't expected the depth of warmth and love that everyone exhibited. It was beyond mere acceptance. It was truly love for each other. That's the way it should be!

I'll be posting pictures soon. And maybe a new avatar as well. One of the things I purchased was a new wig and I feel like showing it off. Stay tuned!

-Sandy (-30-)