Time marches on...

Time marches on...

In just over a month, I make my trek to Doylestown for my GRS. All my travel and lodging arrangements have been made, most of my medical tests are done and shipped to Dr. Christine. I'll complete my medical tests early in March since the results have to be no older than two weeks. My genital electrolysis is complete with a touch up scheduled for the end of the month.

It's just a matter of time and watching the clock.

Unlike my FFS/BA which was like an unending wait for "Christmas", this seems much different. If I could put it into some sort of context, I just want it done and behind me. I think women who are pregnant may have the same feeling. Being pregnant can be really tedious and the process of childbirth can be REALLY uncomfortable, but the blessed result is worth all the wait.

I think that's where I'm at right now. I am not so much looking forward to the operation, so much as I am really anxious to have all this behind me. Most of my life has completed it's transition and this is the last piece of the puzzle. I'm not necessarily looking forward to seeing my newly formed genitalia for the first time as I just want it all to be over so I can complete my transition and no longer feel like I am half and half.

I know I'll be taking on a new habit that will be with me for the rest of my life (dilation) and that intercourse will be on a spectrum from numb to mind blowing with a small but measurable chance that I may never have sensation there at all. All of us that walk this path have to realize that. And I think that to most of us, that wasn't the reason we got on this roller coaster. To us, being a woman is so much more, so many things, that simply having a (neo)-vagina doesn't come close to making us feel complete as women, but not having one is like a puzzle with a piece missing (or if you want to be a bit crass a puzzle with a piece that sticks out).

"Like sand through an hourglass, these are the Days of Our Lives." (So-Crates from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure")

-Sandy

They've moved in...

It's been a few weeks and I haven't been posting simply because I've been fighting a rather recalcitrant computer with less that acceptable results. Best two falls out of three... Actually, the computer may win the occasional battle, I *always* win the war!

Anyway, a few weeks ago Jen, Bill and Kara moved in with me. The details are as interesting as they are tedious. I won't go into them simply because some of the details are so fantastic as to defy logic. Most are so tedious as to induce coma. Anyway, they no longer reside in a dank basement and now have more appropriate accommodations here at the transition house.

It just struck me that every human in this place are in some form of transition. I am in transition from male to female, Jen et al, are in transition from a dank basement to eventually having an apartment of their own, and my friend downstairs is in transition to a better life.

How interesting.

-Sandy

Reverend Brown

Reverend Brown

Piglet has been in communication with one of our mutual acquaintances who I’ll refer to as Reverend Brown.

In bringing him up to date on why she is in Indianapolis and why we are no longer married, he replied that he was happy that everything seemed to be working out and that he was glad I had found my path. “Though of course, I could never condone it.”

Now I’m not going to get all snarky on Reverend Brown like I did on “Rev” Felps. I have worked with this man on many occasions on stage and I know that he has love in his heart and follows his calling. He is a man of great humility and wonderful humor. Also his family is loving and caring. So I know that he truly is happy for me. So we’ll leave the snarkies out of this.

It did make me wonder though. Where does one draw the line between a valid medical condition and a sinful betrayal of God?

Let’s say diabetes. A condition by the way that Reverend Brown must deal with. Of course no one, except a rabid Christian Scientist, would even think of saying that this isn’t a valid medical condition and must be treated.

Well, how about a broken limb? Actually in many cases if nothing is done the limb will heal on its own. Though of course it may heal a little bent. But again no one would hesitate in recommending that it be treated medically.

Let’s leave the physical and go into mental issues. If a person has clinical depression, again, no one would argue for a minute that the best recourse was to seek medical support. Whether that support was drug related or had some sort of surgical intervention would not be questioned.

So what is the bugaboo about gender?

I have not spoken to Reverend Brown since I came out so I have not been able to question him directly about this.

I can speculate that if you say that “God does not make mistakes”, then dealing with medical issues in a medical way does not question faith but perhaps allows the person to become *more* faithful through the fulfillment of medical intervention by relieving them of the propblem they had.

And that if a person has been given a particular internal burden such as transsexuality, and then if they succumb to the inner drive to become true to themselves then are they giving in to sin since they did not use faith and prayer to put those sinful thoughts out of their mind?

Could it not also be that if “God doesn’t make mistakes” and a person follows their heart and becomes true to themselves, couldn’t they also be following a path of faith?

Only Goddess knows…

If anyone has any opinions about this please let me know, for I am truly curious.

-Sandy

How to tell if you are transsexual...

How to tell if you are transsexual...

I'm also sure that the answer has occurred to anyone who has spent any time with an electrologist!

I'm proceeding on with my facial clearing and I am having regular sessions with my electrologist. Fortunately I'm blessed with little facial hair so the amount of time I'll spend getting my face cleared is not all that great. Something on the order of 10 to 20 hours, which is much less than other girls in a similar position.

But still as I lay on the table this last week, and have each hair zapped and the resultant sting that goes with it, and there will be literally thousands of those stings, I realized that no one would do this for *fun*! Also this is not vanity. At least not from the standpoint of wanting to make myself more beautiful. It is to help re-enforce my image as a woman.

There are others who have asked "How can I tell?" as they embark on their journey. All I can say is that if you are willing, and in many cases eager, to put yourself through the discomfort that comes with feminizing your body, then you are trans.

Spend an hour in the chair sometime, and if you not only can endure it but want to come back for more, then you are a transsexual.

I don't know if there are similar issues with FTM transsexuals. Can any of you guys tell us what there might be on your road that might help give an idea as to how to tell?

-Sandy

I shoulda stayed in bed!

While not the day from hell, it certainly was the day from heck!

It started last night. My two daughters and my granddaughter met me at the train station. They had spent the day at the aquarium and wanted a lift home. It was one of those January thaws and the temperature was a balmy 62 degrees. There was some spitting of rain but nothing severe.

Well, by time we got to our stop, all that had changed. It was a monsoon! Heavy rain, lightning, thunder and high winds.

In the time it took to get downstairs from the platform I was drenched. My hair was soaked and dripping down my back and my hose was soaked too. I really should know better than to wear a skirt when there is a threat of rain. But it was such a nice day *up to then*!

I took the kids to dinner and then home. By time I got back I was still sodden and everything was sticking to me. I had a right fine chill and immediately changed and went to bed early. All the while the rain never let up.

This morning, it was still raining when I got up and looked like it would continue throughout the day.

I debated about driving in since I had a root canal to go to today and I thought I could go straight from the office to the clinic. Then I thought better of it. I was sure the rain would foul up traffic horrendously and I would spend a tedious amount of time on the road.

The trains are very reliable and rain rarely is any problem for them.

Well I drive to the train station and trot to the platform dodging the puddles that should now be fitted with diving boards and scurry under the nearly flooded bridge which the occasional fool thinks it's fun to splash the pedestrians. I hope there is karma to be paid for that stunt.

I get on the early train hoping to get in early so I can leave early for my dentist appointment. Well that isn't to be. About halfway downtown, the train stops. We find out that the power to the train was dropped because the train behind us *caught fire*! They dropped power so they could evacuate the passengers and put out the fire.

Now I've been riding the Metra Electric for over twenty years and I can there have only been a few times where the trains were over fifteen minutes late. And NEVER have any of the reasons been due to a fire!

We sat there for almost an hour! By the time we go moving again, I was sure I would have missed all the shuttle buses that pick up from the train stations. So I decided to go directly to the main bank building and catch the shuttle from there. They arrive every fifteen minutes and run throughout the day.

Except today. The shuttle is actually more like forty five minutes late as the traffic downtown is at a standstill from all the rain. That is something I'll never understand. Why traffic moves slower the longer it rains. When it snows, that is understandable, but rain?

So now instead of getting in about half an hour early, I'm actually almost two hours late! I am not a happy camper by that time at all!

And I still had my root canal to go to!

Whenever I have one of *those* days, I try not to do too much because I have the everything-I-touch-magically-turns-to-crap talent turned on.

I get through the day more or less uneventfully and get to the dentists office on time and fill out the paperwork for the procedure. The procedure goes uneventfully enough and I stupidly think to myself that maybe I'm getting out of the bad and into the not-so-bad.

Ha!

Just now I noticed that the temporary filling that the dentist put in had fallen out. I'll have to get in touch with my regular dentist to refill it! And it's starting to ache.

I shoulda stayed in bed!!!

-Sandy (maybe under the bed would be better!)

Such a wonderful Christmas Season gift!

This past weekend, my sister and I, put on a kind of post-Chrstmas / pre-New Years party. We invited everyone in the family and friends and many of the folks made it.

During the course of the evening, my daughter leaned over to me and whispered in my ear that she was pregnant again! I'm going to be a grandmother again!

My eyes filled with tears of happiness as I hugged her to me. I was so suprised. She is due in August and I hope and pray that everything goes well.

I could have not asked for a more wonderful gift!

Of course my young granddaughter will still be doted on to extremes by me, but there is plenty of love in my heart for both of these wonderful lives!

-Sandy

An epiphany.

I had an interesting experience at church this past Sunday.

As we are still in the Christmas season, the readings regarded the birth of Christ and also spoke about the pregnancy of Mary and also Elizabeth, the mother of John the baptist.

I've heard these stories many times over the years, but for the first time as they were being read, I was overcome with a sense of identification with the women in the readings. It's a little hard to explain, but I felt community(?), sisterly love(?), something, when listening to the reading regarding the pregnancy of Elizabeth. I could empathize with her feelings much closer than I ever have before. And too in the discussion of Mary's conception and pregnancy, I could feel an empathy I never had felt before.

Prior to my change I never really identified with anyone in the bible, male or female.

It's not like I can get pregnant or anything like that, but I felt more... feminine(?) than I have before.

Interesting, and in many ways, gratifying.

-Sandy