I hesitated posting this because sometimes I am embarassed about my moods swings. But this was different. I post it, like all my other posts, so that others may find this information helpful.
Saturday morning I woke up and I was severely depressed. More depressed than I have been since I started HRT. It really scared me.
I tried to hide my darkness from Julie. Yeah, right. I'm sitting there at the counter in the morning and she is cracking wise and I'm trying not to break down in sobs. No good. I break down. It scared me a lot that I was that depressed. It was as dark as any I've had. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to find a nice warm rock to hide under for a couple of years...
I managed to pull myself together enough to carry on a conversation with Julie. We talked about it for quite a while. And that helped a lot.
I think what happened is a combination of things. One of them could have been post operative depression, I've had operations before and I don't remember having been depressed post operatively before, but when you're constantly depressed at some level as I was in guy mode, I'm not sure I could have been able to tell.
Another factor we speculated was that it had been just over a week since my operation and any vestiges of testosterone left in my body was probably gone. I may have been experiencing a hormone crash. Though I'm not quite so convinced on that one. I've been on some heavy doses of spironolactone and so most of the testosterone was blocked anyway. I had been effectively chemically castrated for quite some time.
Another idea we talked about is the let down that can happen when you attain a major life goal. The previous day, I had changed my legal name in court, gone to DMV and changed my name, address AND gender, and had gone to my insurance agent and got my name and gender changed there too. It was quite a lot of running around and very stressful. I was exhausted and once I completed all these things, I crashed.
Well whatever it was, I spent most of the day feeling somewhere between worthless and foolish. It got a bit better as the day went on, but I didn't start to really feel like may old (new) self until almost Sunday evening. Not to mention that on Sunday I blew up Julies computer in an attempt to bring all her new equipment on-line. I really felt like a twit, and not in a funny way. It took hours to recover the machine. Fortunately between her and I and the Internet we did manage to get it back to life. I still felt like a twit, though. Computers have been my lifelong career and I should know by now how easy it is to be humbled by an inanimate piece of refined SAND!
Now Monday morning I am back at work in a nice business suit and feeling like corporate Sandy once more. And every few minutes breaking out in a wide grin about being really and truly and forever Sandy!
-Sandy (it's a long road...)
Saturday morning I woke up and I was severely depressed. More depressed than I have been since I started HRT. It really scared me.
I tried to hide my darkness from Julie. Yeah, right. I'm sitting there at the counter in the morning and she is cracking wise and I'm trying not to break down in sobs. No good. I break down. It scared me a lot that I was that depressed. It was as dark as any I've had. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to find a nice warm rock to hide under for a couple of years...
I managed to pull myself together enough to carry on a conversation with Julie. We talked about it for quite a while. And that helped a lot.
I think what happened is a combination of things. One of them could have been post operative depression, I've had operations before and I don't remember having been depressed post operatively before, but when you're constantly depressed at some level as I was in guy mode, I'm not sure I could have been able to tell.
Another factor we speculated was that it had been just over a week since my operation and any vestiges of testosterone left in my body was probably gone. I may have been experiencing a hormone crash. Though I'm not quite so convinced on that one. I've been on some heavy doses of spironolactone and so most of the testosterone was blocked anyway. I had been effectively chemically castrated for quite some time.
Another idea we talked about is the let down that can happen when you attain a major life goal. The previous day, I had changed my legal name in court, gone to DMV and changed my name, address AND gender, and had gone to my insurance agent and got my name and gender changed there too. It was quite a lot of running around and very stressful. I was exhausted and once I completed all these things, I crashed.
Well whatever it was, I spent most of the day feeling somewhere between worthless and foolish. It got a bit better as the day went on, but I didn't start to really feel like may old (new) self until almost Sunday evening. Not to mention that on Sunday I blew up Julies computer in an attempt to bring all her new equipment on-line. I really felt like a twit, and not in a funny way. It took hours to recover the machine. Fortunately between her and I and the Internet we did manage to get it back to life. I still felt like a twit, though. Computers have been my lifelong career and I should know by now how easy it is to be humbled by an inanimate piece of refined SAND!
Now Monday morning I am back at work in a nice business suit and feeling like corporate Sandy once more. And every few minutes breaking out in a wide grin about being really and truly and forever Sandy!
-Sandy (it's a long road...)
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